FREEDOM!!!

I just came back from a walk at the beach. It’s a beautiful day; sunny, blue sky, a few billowy clouds, low fifties, very windy, and the tide was coming in – some of my very favorite walking conditions. I started walking regularly last spring with the intentions of eventually running. I ran when I was younger and loved it but gave it up years ago. Over the summer I hurt my knee a few times trying to run, mostly because I have a little too much weight on me to put that kind of pressure on my knees. So, here I am again, trying to talk myself into a regular walking routine after work, with hopes of turning it in to a running routine eventually. Turns out it’s actually quite the struggle just getting myself to walk every day.

But today, I decided to walk at the metro park beach near our home. I pretty much had the beach to myself – surprising really. And invigorating, and exhilarating, and oh my – I don’t have words to describe it. I had my Mp3 player on, listening to a mix of favorites. I was so alone there that I could actually sing and do a few little dance steps while I walked. What a rush! I walked about three miles. I sang, I laughed, I smiled at the sky and the birds and the water and the sun and God. I said thank you a whole bunch of times. It was awesome and in stark contrast to my mood when I came home from work today.

I felt free. I don’t know how long it has been since the last time I really experienced that feeling but it must have been a long time ago because it was foreign, and yet kind of familiar and it was good. I’m not even sure what I mean by free. It's not like I'm talking about slavery vs. freedom or religious oppression vs. freedom or anything huge like that. It's freedom in a personal sense - a feeling that I remember, maybe from my youth but it was long ago and far away. It was delicious and I want more. So, when I got home, I researched freedom, trying to tie it to something tangible, real, something I can describe.

The French philosopher, Jean-Jacques Rousseau said, “Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains.” The funny thing is, that it seems that one may not miss freedom until one experiences it after a long period of chains. So my mission, if I choose to accept it (wry smile) is to find out what freedom is; what that feeling is and how I can get it in everyday life. Can I?

Will it require giving up my job, or my home which keeps me tied to my job? Then I'd be free to live under the bridge... Shall I take off on an irresponsible trip to wherever my heart leads – perhaps become a modern day hobo. I'd miss my blow dryer and AC. Maybe pull away from family relationships that tie me down? That won't work...I'm kind of hooked on the fam. The possibilities are endless.

According to Wikipedia, freedom can also mean “inner autonomy or mastery over one’s inner condition.” Ah...sounds a bit more like it. And, a lot more work. What exactly is my “inner condition?” Yeah, loaded question and not for this post. Let’s just say it involves less sugar, less wine, less of lots of other things and more of many others. Still, that doesn’t explain that familiar long lost exhilaration I felt today that I equated with freedom.

Perhaps freedom, at least that fleeting and exhilarating sense of it, is an illusion meant only for small interludes of sanity in an insane and constantly moving world. Or, maybe it is something personal that means something different to each soul.

I've noticed that when I blog, I always try to come to a resolution at the end of the post. I don't have one today. But that's okay. I'll keep looking to recreate that glorius feeling more often. See you at the beach!

Perceptions II

You know how you can be going along, minding your own business, feeling okay – no big problems? Everything is status quo; nothing but the little everyday annoyances that pester everyone, like stupid drivers, rush hour and whiney customers – irksome, but nothing that really breaks a wave on your radar. Then, for reasons unknown, ripples roll across your sea of calm. You’re not sure why but suddenly, everything shifts and you are left uneasy and without a clue.

Sunday was my birthday. It’s not like I’m all thrilled about being further into 50 something, but on my birthday, I’m a bit like a kid. I mean I have a birthday song…”Today’s my birthday.”… You’d have to hear it – but I digress. It’s not about presents or cards or cake. That’s all nice but it’s more. Maybe it’s about what I’ve come through in my life and the fact that I’m still here – a survivor against the odds – and with a beautiful family to boot.

Anyhoo, I was sitting at the table at my daughter’s house for a birthday dinner with my family. Everyone is talking and laughing and we’ve just had a nice meal. And then it hit – the shift. Nothing perceptible changed – only a shift in my own mind. No one else noticed a thing. Everything just continued on. I kept smiling and laughing, but on the inside, I was scared and sad. I wanted to cry but I didn’t know why and I couldn’t point to any one thing. I just wanted to go home.

The feeling persisted the rest of the evening. We had cake and ice cream, talked a bit more and left. When we got home, I washed my face, put my pajamas on and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch near my sweetheart, looking for solace in what is my personal safe harbor.

The next day, everything was fine. But, I thought about it all day. What causes that kind of shift in perspective, that jumbling of personal paradigm, especially when nothing has changed? Is it a blip in my psyche or a rumble in the spiritual realm? Maybe I need more medication – don’t quote me on that.

I don’t really have an answer. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that at that table were many of the people who are most important to me. I recall a conversation that I had with my husband on the way to my daughter’s home about the recent deaths of four teenagers killed by a drunk driver just a

few miles from there. We talked about how it could have been any of us sitting at that light waiting to turn, only to be destroyed by the poor choice of a complete stranger. No warning, no way of escape – countless lives altered.

I guess you could say, the more you have, the greater the risk of loss. But that is too simply stated. It doesn’t matter if you have one loved one or ten – a loss is a loss. All I know is that I had a small tremor beneath the surface of calm reminding me that all life is transient and precious and how my world could change by a random act, an illness or some unforseen event. None of us have a guarantee that trouble and sadness will not visit us. We don’t have an absolute road map for the future, so we have to make each moment count. My tiny temporary paradigm shift was the smallest fraction of what the families of those lost teenagers face, and mine was just that – temporary. So again, I look forward with a thankful heart, reminded of the importance of living in the present and refusing to dwell in melancholy and scary possibilities. But I’m determined to make each moment count with those that I love so much.