I’m forever sabotaging myself. I don’t like to admit it – but it’s true. And it’s not because I want to. Why on earth would a person do that to themselves? Yet, here we are.
Yesterday I realized that I feel like my life is out of control. Not just because I ate two candy bars and the last piece of angel food roll that I didn’t really like anyway. And not just because I’m always so squeezed for time and our finances are extremely tight.
These are just a few things, most of which by themselves would not be a big deal, but combined with a list of other trials, tribulations and missteps, become one big time-bomb ready to go off.
It doesn’t have to be that way. I heard a phrase last week that really stuck with me. “Be the captain of your own vessel.” I haven’t been doing that and I think that’s odd for me because I have long been a strong personality. As a younger person, when I wanted to do something I found a way to do it - come “hell or high water” as the saying goes. But these past few years - not so much.
I’ve been feeling tired and a little beat down by life circumstances and I’m not bouncing back like I used to. I’ve gained weight and bought myself a few health problems with it. I won’t go into the details but for cryin’ out loud – no one is forcing that shit down my throat.
I think sometimes that we act out because we’re not getting what we need. Generally, at least for me, it’s something that I won’t allow myself to have. I really don’t take much time for me. It’s not because I’m an unselfish giving person either. Rather, it’s more the ultimate selfishness. Trying to be all things to all people…trying to make everything all better for someone I love – kind of like the great and powerful OZ on the beloved classic, The Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to that man (woman) behind the curtain.” The façade starts falling apart while I try to keep it together, all the while acting like nothing's wrong.
I let this stuff into my head – I live with it and as a result, I act out. For example, I sabotage my diet almost every day and on bad days, I really go to town like the candy bars and cake incident yesterday. I tell myself every day that I’m going to start exercising but then put it off until tomorrow. I lament about my job situation but for all intents and purposes have stopped trying to change it. Tiresome.
Seeing this in writing kind of pummels my self-image. But that’s okay because I’ve been actively assaulting it anyway.
I spent some time thinking about it today and I’ve realized that we get into these mental predicaments and often are not even conscious of what we’re doing to ourselves.
So today, I have decided to become the captain of my own vessel again. I’m refraining from my attempts to take over other people’s vessels. Instead, I’ll allow them the dignity of steering their own. I’m determined to remind myself of the stamina, gumption and strength that I always had in the past and I’m going to reclaim it. I’m making a plan for my:
Health
Mental state
Spiritual state
Financial state
State of relationships
Today I set sail.
I wrote this in the hospital two weeks ago. It took some time to convince myself to post it.....
“The conflict, the craziness and the sound of pretenses falling all around.”
02/23/2011 - Day 2 – hospital:
Today I’m in the hospital; the result of an “episode” yesterday at work. While reviewing coverage for insurance quotes for a new prospect I began to have trouble finding my words. The result was a halting and almost stuttering monologue that both alarmed and embarrassed me. I knew what I wanted to say but had trouble getting the words out. It felt like what I imagine a seizure feels like.
The prospect, a long-winded gentleman, didn’t seem to notice unless he was just being nice. The problem lasted for 10 to 15 minutes out of the 40 minute conversation. I lost my focus and was completely unnerved by the time I got off the phone. My co-workers convinced me to go to the ER and I was admitted on Tuesday (yesterday) afternoon.
This is a relatively new situation for me. I am usually on the other side of the gurney/hospital bed. In the last decade I’ve seen my mom in and out of the hospital times too numerous to mention; and finally moving into our home where she spent her last days with us. In the past 4 years, my son, daughter and husband have all been through hospitalizations for some pretty serious health matters. As for me, except for a small emergency appendectomy and overnight stay, I have remained hospital free – the witness, caretaker and hovering protector of the others.
02/24/2011 - 1 Day Later:
“Do I wear you out? You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out - I'm consumed by the chill of solitary.”
I’m really not sure what to make of all this. I don’t feel old enough to be on blood thinners. I feel way too “healthy” or at least too darn good to be lying in a hospital bed and yet…here I am.
I’m waiting for the results of what I hope is my final test, the MRI. This is the one that will determine whether I had a stroke, proper. If it was just a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), and I suspect it is, it will probably not show and I will probably be able to go home today. The scary part is that a TIA is considered a warning stroke and 10 to 20 percent of people who have a TIA, go on to have a major stroke within 3 to 6 months so there are risk factors I must address. Still, I want to go home.
3 ½ hours later:
“I don't want to dissect everything today. I don't mean to pick (it) apart you see but I can't help it.”
No results yet – just plenty of time to think. I've discovered a dilemma: I want to be “all clear” and yet, if I am, then what happened to me on Tuesday? Will everyone at work think I’m nuts? If they do, does it matter?
Answer: Hell yes it matters because then I’ll wonder if they’re right. But, since when do I care what others think? I suppose in truth, I've always cared – especially in the past; in fact, way more than I should have. But in recent years I have been developing the freedom of not caring and I'm getting there....I think. It is an amazing feeling if properly maintained. However, I do value my integrity (totally overused word) – and my belief in myself and I guess I sort of fear for that. Will the looks on their faces combined with my imagination cause me to lose faith in me – in my own strength? Sad, that…..I’ve been told I’m diabetic and may be prone to stroke but I’m worrying about my image….ghaaaaa! Pretense.
12:30 PM - Ordered lunch
“And all I really want is some patience - a way to calm the angry voice.
And all I really want is deliverance.”
I guess this is one of those “where the rubber meets the road" sort of deals. I’m feeling vulnerable I guess. I don't like that. Well, and I am vulnerable, and we are all vulnerable to some extent - but mostly, I just loathe showing it and feeling it, and being it. Shut up! No, you shut up! Sigh...these two aren't getting along...
“The conflict, the craziness, and the sound of pretenses falling all around.”
Let me be clear (nod to Barak)... I don’t want to be sick - no one does. And I do want to know what happened on Tuesday - truly I do. I mean really, we’re only vulnerable when we don’t know what’s going on right? Once we find out, we can set a course of action.
1:20 PM
“And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land - If only I could meet the maker. And I am fascinated by the spiritual man - I am humbled by his humble nature.”
I had lunch but I can’t really say I enjoyed it or even tasted it. Anxiety has set in. What a drama queen! I’m going home today! Oh and by the way, I am spiritual! Just not religious.
2:00 PM
"Why are (we) so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this? SILENCE……
Did you think about you bills, your ex, your deadlines,
Or when you think you're going to die?
Or did you long for the next distraction?”
I called the nurse to see if she has heard anything about the test results. I'm a pest.
3:00 PM
I called the nurse to see if she has heard anything about the test results. Yep, I've alienated my nurse now.
4:30 PM
I called the nurse to see if she can call the doctor or neurologist to see about the test results.
5:00 PM
Cathleen, the stroke coordinator came in to tell me she looked at the MRI results and they are good but she’s telling me off the record because she is a nurse and not a radiologist. She will try to expedite the doctor's decision about letting me leave if she can.
6:00 PM
I called the doctor’s office and it is closed so I called the nurse and asked her to page the doctor and neurologist about the test results and to see if I can go home. I'm really not a good patient. The nurse is giving me dirty looks now. She has people who are really sick to take care of.
7:15 PM
Dr. Montpetit finally gave in and sent the discharge orders - he wanted the neurologist to discharge me but he never responded. I am on aspirin therapy and have been diagnosed with TIA aphasia. I have a list of directions to follow but I’m going home baby!
7:30 PM
"And all I really want is some peace man,
a place to find a common ground.
And all I really want is a wavelength.
All I really want is some comfort -
A way to get my hands untied.
And all I really want is some justice..."
I walk out of the hospital on my own and drive myself home. I’m back folks – fully in control; all vulnerabilities tucked safely away for the moment; pretenses strung around my neck like a pearl necklace. I’m back.
But enough about me.......
Quotes from the song "All I Really Want." ~Alanis Morrissette
