FEAR AND LETTING GO

Some years ago, while on vacation with my husband in Key West, I had an amazing experience with fear and letting go.  We were there to celebrate my college graduation after many years of school – I was 46 when I graduated. 

I fell in love with Key West.  It is loose, free and beautiful.  I can’t tell you how many people we spoke with who said they went for vacation and never left.  Some left big careers behind while others just dropped out to pursue a beach bum lifestyle.  One man told us that he literally did not go back to pack up his life in New York.  He had everything shipped and never looked back.  We met many homeless people - some by choice, and those that chose to live on the fringe; simple and uncomplicated.  All in all, most seemed content. It’s a different vibe altogether; one of nature, art, freedom, ease, bliss and relaxation. At least on the surface.

Anyway, Tim and I had a number of different things we wanted to do and explore in addition to beaches, bars and shops.  For example, I wanted to visit the Hemingway house and he wanted to rent scooters to tour the island (we had a rental car).  I wanted to snorkel in the ocean and he wanted to take a ride in an open cockpit biplane.

We’ve snorkeled before, in a beautiful lagoon in Xel Ha Mexico.  We loved it.  But Tim didn’t relish the idea of snorkeling in the ocean by a reef…sharks and all.  In fact, he didn’t “think it was wise.”  He did, however, think flying around over the ocean and island in a tiny biplane with an open cockpit that seats 3 people, one being the pilot - a stunt pilot no less, was a super fun idea. I, on the other hand, not so much.  But we struck a deal:  Tim would snorkel with me in the ocean and I would fly in the open cockpit biplane with him. 

The snorkeling trip didn’t work out so well.  The ocean was rough that day so the boat captain would not go out to the reef as planned.  He took us out to an area that he deemed safe and we snorkeled.  But there was no coral reef, no beautiful fish - just lots of seaweed and waves.  I was disappointed to say the least.  

The next day was our biplane trip.  I cannot tell you how frightened I was to go up in that plane.  I was imagining all sorts of terrible things happening.  As we drove to the airfield I could feel terror building inside and for once in my life I was speechless.  I really wanted to back out.  We arrived at the airfield office, paid for our trip and waited for the pilot.  Tim was in seventh heaven looking at the pictures on the wall of the plane and talking about the flight.  I was hoping our family would put together a tasteful but not too expensive funeral for us.  

Then something peculiar happened.  The pilot arrived and took us out to the plane.  As he helped us get strapped in – Tim and I in the front and he in the back with the control panel, I relaxed…completely.  All of the tension in my body melted and my mind emptied.  I think at that moment I realized that whatever happened was out of my control at that point so I let go.  It doesn’t sound like much but it is a moment in time that I’ll never forget.  I surrendered my fears completely.   That flight was spectacular.  We flew for about 45 minutes, soaring above Key West and the Atlantic / Gulf of Mexico.  The pilot was a famous stunt pilot and we swirled and dipped low over the coral reef where I’d hoped to snorkel (he pointed out nurse sharks swimming in the area).  And there was NO FEAR.  It was one of the most wonderful and freeing experiences I’ve had.

I have never forgotten that experience and have had it again on smaller scales occasionally.  When I’m afraid, I go back to that moment of surrender in the biplane at Key West.  And I remind myself that control is just an illusion anyway.  It’s so much better just to let go and enjoy the ride.  

IMAGINE

We are a species filled with imagination, resourcefulness and creativity.  We create from what we envision. 

We're sometimes gullible.  We can believe in almost anything.  Different groups, different beliefs -  we place our trust in the government, USDA, FDA,
EPA and the AMA, just to name a few.  We believe in faith healers, televangelists, psychics and mediums. 

Some believe in a "rapture" wherein everyone who is a true "believer" is one day caught up into the heavens to be with God, or that Jesus Christ is coming back on a white horse.  Others believe in 7 virgins for every martyr for their cause.

We swallow info on every fad diet that comes down the pike.  We'll try every miracle vitamin product, wrinkle cream and exercise dodad that finds its way to the market.  We're gullible man!

And yet, we pray for peace and promote war.  Imagination run amuck.  That's not right.  Why can't we create peace....imagine oneness....the brotherhood of man...non-violence.

Well, I think that this is the side God's on........see below.

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

~JOHN LENNON

Magic

Is there really no magic? I’ve entertained magical thinking all of my life. I didn’t realize I was still doing it until recently. When you’re little, you are taught to believe in magic. You know - Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy and the like. You slowly begin to see that it isn’t quite so, which really kind of sucks. I beat up the little boy who told me there was no Santa when I was seven. I reallllly believed and besides, my mother wouldn’t lie to me! But there I was, sitting on my mom’s lap crying about Santa after my mom came clean and told me that he didn’t exist, at least not in the way I’d been led to believe. For a few years afterwards, I even tried to pretend there still was a Santa at Christmas time, but it wasn’t the same – my eyes had been opened. But you survive. It’s all kid stuff, right? Then there’s church. A whole new set of stuff to believe in that you can’t see. I have this picture of Jesus in a small glass frame that I was given at the age of 4. His eyes follow you wherever you move. I still have it. Being an only child, I spent a lot of alone time with that picture, talking to it, imagining Jesus talking back, joking around with it and taking comfort from it when I was scared or sad. He was my friend. I went to Catholic church and school, and absorbed all of those teachings. It was nice.

As Ive mentioned in prior posts, I spent 10 plus years as a Christian fundamentalist in my early 20’s and 30’s – a realm of magical thinking, most scary in the long run, and the one that may have had the most profound effect on me. I’ve heard every kind of magical thinking in that environment, partook of it myself and did not come away unscathed. When I removed myself from that environment, all hell broke loose as it were. I didn’t know what to believe or trust and eventually hung up on God for quite a while.

Life is different now. I guess my natural cynicism has resurfaced, but in a good way, I think. I’ve come to realize that our built in instincts are okay – even God given. They are put there for a reason to help us make sense of our world. I’ve realized that just believing something, no matter how much you want it to be true, doesn’t make it so. And rather than that truth being disappointing and upsetting, it is instead freeing and comforting. There doesn’t have to be an answer for everything and certainly all truth is not contained in the pages of one small book written by men. Now, for me, the creator of this universe is not some bigoted, giant, narcissistic entity, that demands all and treats us as pitiful, helpless and hapless creatures that can't make a decision for ourselves. Instead, the entity is one I trust and take comfort in, knowing that his design will not fail in the long run, no matter what it is; that I don’t have to know the whole mystery; understanding that all of the energy and life force is there inside of me for me to use for good, and is made up of and part of that creator; positive that his design is not so exclusive as to banish all who don’t lock in to one narrow perspective.

Still, I persist in my search for magic – little glimmers of fairy dust; proof that I am uniquely singled out, for, or to witness the magical whatever it may be. This past week has been a particularly tough one for me. I found myself on Friday attending a party of one, indulging briefly in light servings of self pity. I lost the dream, there is no magic - woe is me......I challenged God to show me the magic! I knew he would. I didn't have anything in particular in mind - just something magical. He did not come through. It’s true that old habits die hard and having been born and bred to expect it, I still wait for it now and then, often disappointed. And yet, that is part of the wonder of waiting for that special dispensation that may never come, or be recognized if it does. In the meantime, I try to live in the present moment which is what I make of it; and in that, there is peace, and a great measure of comfort, knowing that I don’t have to kick any ass for anyone else breaking my bubble, or lament over the disappointment of dreams that did not magically come true. I can choose to see magic in the smiles of my friends, the love of my family, and the little wonders and opportunities that come along happenstance to do good in the life of another soul. I can be grateful for the good things in my life. And, I can just be me working toward my own dreams and enjoying each moment that passes if I dare to do so. Even so, the child inside lingers on. I’ll still wish on stars and look for magic dust in the little corners of my life. But that will be my little secret.