So, I’ve mentioned that I’m a bit of a rebel right? Yep – from day one I have been the polar opposite of most of my family. My father came from a long line of staunch Republicans. My mother had a laundry list of searing prejudices. In my young teens I protested the Vietnam War on Kennedy Square in Detroit on a number of occasions, knowing that my parents would disapprove and that my half brother, who was a decorated officer in the army, had done at least three tours there and been wounded. My dad was so proud of him. Actually, I was proud of him too, although I barely knew him. He is much older than me and I'd spent very little time with him. Still, I couldn't reconcile my feelings about that god-awful conflict. Little as I knew at that age, I felt in my heart that it was wrong.
I rejected the racial prejudices of my mother and quite frankly, went out of my way to befriend the very people she disdained. Was there spite involved? Maybe a little...but I didn't agree and so, believed it was my duty to forge my own path.
So, I guess you could say there was an element of rebellion involved. But, in spite of the fact that I became very busy at a very young age raising two children and trying to keep a family together; in spite of the fact that I took a lengthened detour through fundamental Christianity; and, in spite of the fact that I tried very hard to fit into a more conservative mold through some of those years, I found that when I came out on the other side, my basic viewpoint still leaned toward the “bleeding heart” liberal view.
The fact is, I cannot tolerate intolerance and I despise arrogance. I hate lies and deceit. So, good for me right?...champion of the underdog…purveyor of peace, source of great tolerance… Not so much.
Recent self-reflection has revealed an unpleasant dichotomy between my theory and my practice. Turns out, I’ve always been intolerant of, what I perceive to be foolish. But now I find that intolerance reduces itself to an even baser state; a place where I may sometimes bait and exploit said foolishness – possibly for my own entertainment; possibly to solidify to myself that it is, in fact, foolishness, and maybe to garner for myself a feeling of superiority as well. There you have it…the ego - run amuck. There is no peace in that. There is no tolerance in that. There is no diplomacy or kindness in that. There is no zen in that. And there am I – all smug and awash in my own perceived intelligence. I don’t like that about me. I'm working on that.
My parents are gone. My only "family" other than my husband and children, are people I barely know - my mother's family in Scotland and my dad's in, well all over the place really, but my brother lives in Tenessee. I have never told him the truth about my political leanings. At presidential election years, he always asks me if I'm ready to cast my vote for __________(input republican candidate). I say yes. Liar! But I don't want him to hate me, especially when we didn't have any relationship for over 20 years after our father died and my brother is one staunch republican. Oy! So, as much as I am for the truth, I'm a hypocrite as well. A rebellious, 53 year old hypocrite. That sucks. But I don't intend to tell Jim that I voted for Barak Obama, hate the war, watch and support Michael Moore movies and sit on various and sundry boards that support liberal causes. But that is the white hot truth.
