Today is Friday. I’m still in bed. My temperature is down now to 99.7 and I’m feeling weak but well enough to sit up in bed and wander into the living room once in awhile. I’ve read the paper, checked FB and looked at my email. I’ve also put together some of the thoughts that were roiling around in my head the past few delirious days.
I was never much of an achiever in elementary or high school. I was a pretty solid “Group 2” staple (If you went to Catholic school in the 60’s you’ll know what I mean) and blended into the background as best I could. I was pretty wild and on my own at the age of 18 and married with two babies at the age of 22. My foray into the world of overachiever didn’t begin until after my husband moved out. Talk about an education…I learned quickly what the world was like for a woman without a plan, without higher education, and no money or child support. I started working full time and went back to school at the age of 28 at our local community college funded by the Pell grant. I didn’t know exactly what my plan was. I'd grown up with a minimun of adult supervision and direction and thought that the only jobs out there for women were nursing or teaching and I didn’t want any of that. I took a few classes at a time and worked at various jobs that paid under $7 per hour. And I learned and loved it. I loved school and the idea of school, and I excelled. What a surprise to find out that I could do so well. It kind of filled a void and gave me back some of the self-esteem that I lost during the deterioration of my marriage.
Fast forward: It took me 18 years to get my bachelor’s degree and another 4 to get my masters. I raised kids, took classes, dated and married my husband Tim during that time. Sometimes I took semesters off if the schedule became too rough with my kids. I didn’t go at all for a few years while my kids were in high school because they required a lot of attention during that time. But somehow during those years, a goal developed inside of me. It was not specific to a particular career; having a career was the goal. I think at the time I really didn’t care much what it was – just that it paid well and afforded me the …I don’t know…prestige that I craved. I never wanted to be in a position again where I had to depend on someone else for survival and I never wanted to feel like a lower life form again.
Ahh – “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley (often go awry), An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain” ~Robert Burns. Never were truer words spoken. After getting my master’s degree in a field in which I was not all that connected or consumed, I worked hard to break into the field with absolutely no success. I won’t go into full detail here but suffice it to say I have an extremely hard time getting an interview for anything.
I have done volunteer work for a few different social organizations over the past few years. It is work that can be enjoyable and I had hoped that it would help develop me for whatever my career future holds.
REALITY CHECK 2010: I recently garnered the position of “President” of the org that I am currently involved with. Oh yeah! Before you think “wow, that’s awesome” let me also add that I am the only active board member at this time. The former President, my friend, quit to pursue other ventures. The other board members are really just in name only. So, I am the board. I’m tired just thinking about it. And it's a lot of work; networking, writing letters, showing up at events and coordinating events, etc... There is no pay and it's not easy getting people to join in. It's a great cause and all that...but I don't think I can do it. Much more so...I don't think I want to. I am tired just thinking about it.
These few paragraphs cannot do any justice to the way I have really been feeling these past 6 months. I don’t have enough energy myself to try to do it justice but I want these thoughts down in writing.
I’ll be 54 in a few weeks. I have been struggling internally for months and years now over my inability to get "somewhere;" the fact that I can’t seem to get out of the office job I have had for 22 years where I am the office manager
I realized these last few days that maybe I should quit trying so hard. I’m exhausted and have been seriously depressed and I guess, ashamed. I have felt like something is innately wrong with me. My thought yesterday was that I just wanted to give up…not like die - give up, but just to stop trying. Just to be me, a wife, mother and grandmother. I hear lots of people do that and are very happy with it. I have a wonderful family with 9 beautiful grandchildren, not to mention 6 awesome kids. They’re not all mine by blood but my heart does not know the difference and I love each one dearly. I’ve pretty much been flogging myself regularly because of my perceived failings – for not being good enough. That takes a lot of time away from cherishing what I do have. I’ve been like the horse with blinders on that can only see the path in front of him/her, continually plodding toward something and never arriving. Meanwhile, I’m missing all the wonderful activity that is going on in the sidelines and berating myself as a failure.
I don't know. I'm not making any absolute decisions until I'm completely back on my feet again but I do know that something must change inside of me.
Oh well – I don’t claim to have all the answers from my sickbed induced semi-delirium but I have certainly given myself something to think about. Time for a nap.
