CHANGES

Tim and I recently made a substantial life change. We switched to a vegan diet. We have given up all meat, poultry and fish as well as any dairy products derived from animals. This has come as a surprise to our children and I’m convinced that the rest of our family will be astounded as well. I’m a little surprised myself. I have toyed with vegetarianism on and off throughout my life. I have never liked the thought of eating other creatures, especially furry, warm blooded ones with two eyes – and a mom. But Tim….let’s just say, his nickname is Sausage Boy.  Over time, through conversations, health issues, and changes in perspective, we decided together to make the switch. Anyway, it’s been about ten weeks now and all is well. But that’s not really what this post is about. I want to talk about change. 

I recently had a phone conversation with an old friend - one with whom I have had very infrequent contact over the past many years. Although our conversation was brief, I discovered that he was experiencing some unpleasant life circumstances.  While we didn’t get into much detail, I did express my concern and hopes for a positive outcome for him. His response was brief and to the point. He said that he “couldn’t change after all these years.”

I haven't been able to get that statement out of my head. I realize that overall, we are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zones and often loathe the thought of stepping outside of them. Sometimes, that’s me.  But I think most often, I invite change. I’ve been changing most of my life. In fact, over the last decade or more, I’ve come to regard change as something that is essential to me.  I’ve always liked sticking my toe outside of the circle and it seems the older I get, the more I’m inclined to do so. Sometimes it’s a toe; other times a foot, and on some occasions, a full body jump. Perhaps it’s my bid to stay young and relevant, at least in my own mind. Or maybe it’s a survival technique or just my nature - I’ve always been a bit of a rebel.

Still, I wonder what causes us to lose our flexibility and become stiff, dry and afraid; closed to new ideas and fearfully fighting to preserve what we have become comfortable with, regardless of truth or consequences. My initial guess is the f word - FEAR. When you’re young - well at least, when I was young, I didn’t really know the meaning of fear. I was naïve, stupid and pretty certain I was invincible. It was either dumb luck, the grace of God, or both that I survived. As I matured, I settled down a little, but never found my niche.

It seems that the older we get, the more we need absolutes – things we can count on and believe in. And God help anyone who tries to shift our paradigm. I recognize that in myself occasionally and when I do, I resist it. I don’t want to get stuck in the quicksand of old age that can’t see past what has already been established and holds it in a death grip. I saw it happen to my mother and step-dad as they aged and I made a mental note to do everything in my power to remain flexible. In fact, sometimes they would make statements like; "call these the golden years?  What a crock!" in their old persons voices.  Sometimes I hear that voice developing in me.  I put on the brakes. 

Our world doesn’t make it easy to keep the fresh idealism of youth, but the truth is that the universe and everything in it is in a constant state of change. And so are we - from birth to death, whether we want to be or not. Conceivably, that is why humans, especially as they age, hang on so tight to the paradigms they have embraced. It gives them a sense of control. But it's an illusion. There is no freedom in it because it is actually just fear.

These days my tendency toward change is more mature and viable and I’m pretty comfortable with it. I’ve been experiencing an inner revolution in my search for truth and I like it. I think embracing change, seeking truth and being ready to acknowledge that which is unorthodox is the answer to keeping the mind and outlook fresh and ushering true peace into our lives.

Anyway, I think about what my friend said and hope that his eyes and heart open. If something isn’t working and we want it to work, we have to change our approach within and without – to revolutionize our thinking and commit to change whenever and in whatever way necessary. It’s natural and much better than the alternative.

Anyone can create change.

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence,
and so the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same.
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations.
They're quite aware
of what they're going through."

~David Bowie - "Changes"

BADGE

What’s your badge? Policemen and firemen wear them. Girl scouts and boy scouts wear them. What are they? Badges are things we wear or display to say who we are or what we believe. People wear badges of all sorts these days. Some have bumper stickers on their cars. Others wear t-shirts or hats that declare their mind. Still others wear permanent badges on their bodies in the form of tattoos. It seems that many people today, at least in our American society, want everyone else to know what they stand for, what they think and what they believe no matter how absurd. Because, it’s all about them I guess.

I have always frowned upon bumper stickers. Have you ever seen the vehicle with five or more bedecking the bumper, windows and trunk? They may be political messages, funny sayings, quotes or insults to the driver behind them. They may talk about their kids or spouse or have an image of a little guy peeing on….I don’t know…something. I never got that one. What I think when I see a vehicle like that is that I have easily discovered way more about the owner of that vehicle than I ever wanted to know. And I don’t want to be friends. They have put a piece of their mind on their vehicle and I fear they’ll have none left. Ouch!

But now let’s talk about me. Heh, heh, apparently I’m a bit judgmental. But, I don’t allow bumper stickers on my car and I don’t get tattoos. I don’t put signs on my lawn and my t-shirts are pretty generic. I’m by and large fairly understated and therefore have viewed myself as kind of underground in a manner of speaking.

Not so… Interestingly (to me) it turns out that I have a badge as well - and no one is more surprised than I. It’s not something that I wear or drive around in but it’s out there for everyone to see. I wear my badge on Facebook. I really didn’t become conscious of that until recently. To me, I’m Kathy - a spiritual but not religious person with liberal tendencies and strong feelings on injustice and oppression who has worked as an activist for a few different organizations and has made no secret of her radical tendencies, in particular, on Facebook.

I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. Facebook is a social forum and as such, should be open to discussion and intelligent conversation among those who care to confer about political, social, spiritual and community issues if they so choose, and to those who just want to keep in touch and have fun. Both are acceptable I think. But Facebook is just sound bites. It is a great medium in many ways but a long way from reality in others. And I suppose that what bothers me about the wearing of my particular badge is that I am way more than that badge yet somehow, I fear my ego and I have conspired to make it my identity. It is not. I have certainly managed to alienate myself from old friends recently. Not a big surprise – in their world there are some differences that are insurmountable. I have looked at it as their problem. Still, I do seem to push the envelope all too often. Does that make me one of the bumper sticker people? I don’t know. I have some thinking to do…..

30-Day Challenge - Outcome

Tuesday, October 19th was the final day of my 30-Day Challenge.  My goal was no sugar and white flour for 30 days.  I did well with no sugar except for one small slip while on vacation.  I sincerely forgot and had an ice cream cone.  Yes, the ice cream had sugar and the cone did too.  Otherwise, no sugar at all. 

I didn't have much white flour but found that avoiding it all together was tricky.  So, I decided not to beat myself up about it.

On the up side, I did lose a total of 6 pounds and with very little exercise.  heh-heh, I think the exercise thing needs a 30-day challenge of its own. Anyway, it's a drop in the bucket so to speak, but still, 6 pounds just from the deletion of one food "staple" is significant. 

As a result of my Challenge, I don't seem to crave sugar with the same intensity.  I also feel better and have more energy.  That's a huge plus and probably my biggest goal of the Challenge.

My intention now is to limit sugar to special occasions.  These do not include end of the work day, weekends and pity parties.  I'm talking about birthdays, holidays, vacation and the like. 

In the end, it's all about choices and choosing the healthy ones.  I like that.

DAY 24 - 30-DAY CHALLENGE

Today is day 24 of the 30-day challenge - no sugar, no white flour, exercise and smaller portions. 

Okay, here's the deal.....I have not been faithful to the no white flour, exercise 4 times per week and posting bi-weekly. I have been somewhat faithful to the smaller portions.  But the good news is that I have managed to abstain from sugar and for that I am grateful.  Baby steps...

I have lost 5 pounds and gained one back, meaning....I really lost 4 pounds.  My only excuse is that this week we are on vacation and not eating totally as we would if it were another week:  )  However, there has been more exercise this week what with beach walking, town walking and dunes climbing.  I attribute this as the reason I only gained one pound back of the 5 lost. 

I guess I'm looking at it from the perspective of making small consistent improvements. That, and the benefits wrought so far;  I have reduced my sugar cravings considerably.  I am much more conscious of the food choices that I make.  I actually feel much better without the sugar. 

I am limiting white flour but find that sometimes, especially away from home, white flour is hard to avoid.  I have had it sparingly. I have had sugar free ice cream and sugar free cookies.  I am rethinking that stuff because it is still high in calorie and perpetrates the desire for sweets (although not nearly as bad as sugar does).  Plus, I don't think the artificial sweetners are all that great for you. 

Anyway, it's a start.  I am looking forward to my next challenge......meat and dairy free.  Seriously.

DICHOTOMY

Reading the news this past week brought serious questions to mind. I’ve been thinking about my concept of this country – our country, the United States of America. The most common model portrays a young upstart, revolutionary country. A land of freedom filled with promise. A land pursued by immigrants who paid for freedom with their blood, sweat and tears. It’s a gritty, magnificent supposition - an inspiring story. We love that story and have built our patriotic self-image upon it. But assuming that our concept is subjective as it surely is, there must be an element of fiction to our narrative that we’ve failed to acknowledge. Voices from outside our circle of wagons call out the incongruities but we ignore them.

I’m no different. For most of 50 years I have been inundated with a paradigm of the United States as the “greatest country in the world.” But frankly, these days I’m baffled. I cannot reconcile that which I’ve heard all my life from the reality that I am seeing in our world…our country in particular. I’m referring to the dichotomy between the image of our young, progressive, innovative, forward thinking, tech savvy, cutting edge nation and the “burn them at the stake” mentality that we also espouse. How in the world do we reconcile this? Fact is…we don’t even try. For the most part, we are totally oblivious to it. What’s more, we don’t really want to know. We have our story and have created our collective self-image. Don’t mess with it and don’t mess with us! It’s much easier to spout the platitudes we’ve heard and accepted without question since we were babes. And God help the person that tries.

It’s been said that the truth shall set you free. I believe that statement with all my heart and I’ve been on a quest for the truth for some time now – maybe my whole life. Still, I’m always taken aback when confronted with the seeming hypocrisy of our collective and egoic image of us as a people and nation. I’m just not satisfied anymore with accepting facile narratives of the American way. And what is the American way? It’s a pretty subjective statement don’t you think? Wikipedia describes it thusly: “The American Way is a term for the way of life in the United States.” It “is an expression that refers to the lifestyle of people living in the United States of America. It is an example of a behavioral modality, developed from the 17th century until today. It refers to a nationalist ethos that purports to adhere to principles of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." It has some connection to the concept of American exceptionalism and the American Dream.” And yet, whose way of life is it expressing? Whom does it represent?  The homeless and indigent? Which way of life are they referring to?

I’ve been thinking a lot about these issues while grappling with my own beliefs and mores in the last few years. What is unmistakable are the inconsistencies in our shared, and again collective national image. How can something that is broken be repaired if one does not concede that it is broken. How can we be evolving while living in the dark ages?

A few of the issues that got me thinking this week were capital punishment, racism, “don’t ask, don’t tell," and war.

In this past week, a woman was executed in California; the first execution in five years in that state. Not really that unusual unless you consider the barbarism of killing someone as a punishment for crime…in this purported “Christian nation.” Other countries decry our bent on this most extreme of punishments and yet, we continue. What is our reason for this? How do we justify the taking a life? Do we use the Old Testament bible – an eye for an eye? Do we use economics? “It’s too expensive to take care of them for life.” In fact, it’s barbaric, archaic and very sad. There is no peace in it. What is the truth about this behavior?  Why do we continue to do it?

Here’s an article you might want to read from Miami Herald journalist Leonard Pitts – Take an eye opening ride on the racial profiling Turnpike. He is reviewing a book authored by Joseph Collum about racial profiling in America – one small demographic and human selection of America specifically. It’s an appalling look at a sad reality for many people of color today . http://www.freep.com/article/20101001/OPINION05/10010325/1322/Take-an-eye-opening-ride-on-the-Racial-Profiling-Turnpike

But that’s just one little slice of our racist culture. While not as overt as it once was, racism still permeates everything from our socially unjust food system on one end of the spectrum, to the veritably insane reaction to the election of a black president. There are excuses on every end of the spectrum as well. It’s so much easier than facing the truth about ourselves. Bigotry lives large in the United States of America.

This past week the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Law repeal failed to get the 60 votes needed in the house for the repeal to go through. This farcical law did nothing for homosexual Americans except allow them to serve in the military under cover. In fact, over 13,000 were kicked out of the military since the law went through. I would say I’m incredulous but this is the same country that still executes criminals. Not only are the civil rights of homosexuals being ignored, they are camouflaging it under the pretense of “preserving the sanctity of marriage. Why?  Because it's an abomination before god?  Kind of like defending slavery using the bible as was done decades ago using what?  the laws in Exodus?  People continue to pick and choose what works for their "Christian" agenda.  Where is the truth? It’s much easier when something makes you uncomfortable to find a way to justify your reaction to it.

We’ve spent years fighting a war that was based on lies. We’re still in Iraq and in active warfare in Afghanistan. No one talks about the lies anymore.  We're fighting a war on terror. Picture Jesus in a helmet and flack jacket carrying an American flag at the front of the battle. That's the basic unspoken but underlying representation of American military action in many circles.  A war backed by God.  Really?  I’m amazed at how our “Christian nation” justifies our imperialistic tendencies. Where is the truth?

We are foaming at the proverbial mouth over illegal immigrants and yet, we are a country of immigrants. We came, we conquered and we exploited the real owners of this country who now live on small parcels of land, impoverished and virtual slaves in the greatest country in the world.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. People are starving to death here in the United States. They are dying for lack of health care. How is this possible?

But that’s not comfortable is it? So, we just fall back on the patriotic jargon that dulls our senses and our hearts.

The American dream…aptly named. Is it possible that we exist in our own fairy tale? I can tell you this; if you’ve been born and bred here, it is a difficult thing to not buy into the rhetoric. It is drummed into you from birth. But, if you look past the patriotic idiom; past the religious oratory; and past the stubborn desire to cling to what may be a dream/fairy tale, you may begin to see truth – if it’s truth you’re looking for. Something needs to change and telling the truth is the only way it will happen. Truth is demanding, but it will set you free.

Food for thought:

“If America wants to stop terrorism, it needs to stop terrorizing the world.” ~Paul J. Balles

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James

"We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are." - The Talmud

Day 8 - 30-Day Challenge - Small Successes

I’ feeling kind of confident cocky today. I have lost 2 ½ pounds since day 1 of the 30-day challenge! And this in spite of my digressions from the rules. Woot!

In reality, I know I should lay low on the bravado. I’ve had my weight fluctuate up to 4 pounds in a five day period according to how much salt I put on my, er, broccoli french fries, ahem.

All the same, a small success really helps in the motivation department. Plus, I notice the sugar cravings have decreased somewhat – one of the big goals of the challenge. So today is a good day. And it’s Monday!

Day 6 - 30-Day Challenge

I'm on day 6 of the "30-Day Challenge," which I'm thinking of changing to the 10-Day Challenge or better yet, the 6-Day Challenge.  Because I'm a whimp.

Really, the problem is that while I have done very well on the sugar - I've only had a few pieces of 100% whole wheat bread with trace amounts of sugar it it; and not terribly bad on the white flour, I went quite a bit off course yesterday.  Our were nephews visiting from up North so we ordered a variety of Thai food to share.  I had the brown rice - good choice...but also the noodles - white flour.  I also bought a sugar free pie and sugar free ice cream for dessert and of course the pie was made with white flour.  But it was a special occasion you see...

On the exercise front - not so good...only twice in the past 6 days.  I have to work on that. 

I suppose I need to rethink my desired outcomes for this challenge.  I want to be healthy, stabilize my blood sugar and get rid of those pesky sugar cravings, but I also want to lose weight.  It always comes back to the old, "calories in - calories out" mantra.  So, barring the occasional sugar free dessert or Thai dish, it is important to remember that these digressions must be VERY infrequent and in very small amounts. 

On a side note; I read this week about how Bill Clinton, after the last time he had a stent put in his heart, changed to a primarily plant-based diet with no dairy and very infrequent servings of fish.  He lost weight and said that his body has been repairing itself.  That really appeals to my inner vegetarian which has lurked beneath the surface of my life since I was very young.  I've toyed with it on and off.  In fact, last summer, Tim and I ate no meat at all for 3 months...a little expirement.  We did eat dairy but relied mostly on whole grains, legumes, vegetables and fruit.  And it was great - we felt good and liked the food.  Although we're not huge meat-eaters, we did end up gravitating back to meat.  I think about that alot, but it takes a lot of effort to completely change your diet and way of living.  We talk about it now and then but with busy lives, never make a commitment.  We shall see.

Anyway, regarding my 30-Day Challenge; I'ma keep at it.

Day 1 - 30-Day Challenge

This may be a little trickier than I thought.  I started my 30-Day Challenge today - no sugar and no white flour.  I'm also adding exercise, healthy whole foods and smaller portions to the mix.  Sounds simple enough, no?  No! 

I had my egg whites and my 100% whole wheat bread for breakfast and everthing was cool.  I was all, I can do this!!  But while I was eating my black-eyed pea soup for lunch and purusing the ingredients list on the bag, I discovered to my dismay that sugar is one of those ingredients.  Drats!  So, it appears if I am to avoid sugar in its unnatural form completely, I have to find bread that has no sugar or forgo bread completely.  A well intentioned friend at work mentioned Ezekiel Bread that is sold in the health food section of some supermarkets.  I have seen and tasted this bread and while it is not terrible, it will be a cold day in hell when I spend $5 on a loaf of bread. Not gonna do it...wouldn't be prudent, ha!  What to do, what to do...

I didn't exactly exercise, but I did work in the garden for an hour. Dinner was lefovers from the semi-lowfat eggplant parmesan that I made yesterday.   Feeling ecstatic that I didn't have to cook, I sat down to my meal.  Only that's when I realized that the breadcrumbs I used for the eggplant are made with white bread that more than likely has sugar as well.  Hrmph!  And yes, I ate it anyway...but I didn't enjoy it quite as much...

I may have to tweak this thing a bit.  I don't eat that much bread anyway so if I do have some here and there, is that cheating on my 30-day challenge? I don't know.  In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, I think about that tomorrow.

30-Day Challenge

Today, I have made a decision that I hope will positively affect my life both now, and in the future. I have found myself at a crossroads. I have been doing a lot of growing spiritually and emotionally these past few months…I have also been growing in other ways that are not so wonderful. You see, my body is in a sad state of disrepair. I am at my heaviest ever since I began my weight gain regimen some 18 years ago. Yes, I’m being facetious…. I didn’t do that on purpose but circumstances and medications have taken their toll. I have dieted, lost and regained over the years. Add to this the fact that I have become inordinately fond of sugar and have, in the last year, pretty much abandoned any thought of diet and exercise. I have come to realize that my poor physical condition will never enhance the spiritual me that dwells within. I also find it hard to remain positive when I feel weak and tired and uncomfortable in my clothes. And if that’s not enough, I think I may be having some blood sugar problems. So, looking reality hard in the face, I find compelling inspiration.

After careful thought and more than a few M&M’s, I decided today to give myself a 30-day challenge. One can do anything for 30 days, right? I’m not going to go all crazy and inflict an extreme life change on myself all at once. Instead, my intention is to cut out all sugar and white flour for 30 days and see what happens. Hehe…actually, that is pretty extreme considering – you’ve got to start somewhere. I also intend to add moderate exercise at least 4 days per week. That can mean a 30 minute walk, 20 minutes of beginners yoga or just 20 minutes of stretching exercises – BUT, it must be done a minimum of 4 times per week. Here are my parameters:

• No sugar or white flour: Any bread, or pasta must be 100% whole wheat and in small portions. Brown rice only. No sugar unless it is natural, i.e. fruit. No ketchup or anything with high fructose corn syrup. I will allow sugar substitutes for now.
• Very minimal dairy products.
  Meals will consist of mostly vegetables, whole grains and lean protein.
• Snacks will be mostly fruits and veggies.
• Try to maintain point levels according to the Weight Watchers calculations that I’m familiar with.
• Post at least bi-weekly on my progress.
• I decided to post this plan – not that I exactly have widespread following – I think Tim is my only reader, but whatever. It will make me feel accountable. I start tomorrow 09/20/2010.

So, wish me luck, good success and all that jazz!

A Room of One's Own

I’ve been in a bit of a blue funk lately. I suppose I’ve let those monologues that play in our heads at times get the best of me. At least briefly….I’m fully able to pull myself up by the bootstraps, as it were, and suck it up. I have done that for most of my life and will continue to do so. At least that’s the plan.

It’s been the usual…you know; I’m not where I thought I would be, and all that stuff. But there was an atypical twist this time. I have come to realize that I’m a bit isolated….from friends, from family, from making new friends – from people in general. I seem to have withdrawn somehow.

This has never been what I intended but my guess is that it’s a byproduct of the journey I’ve been on.

Friends:
I have a sizeable network of friends from my early years when I was entrenched in fundamental Christianity. It was a tight knit group and we spent many fun and happy hours together growing up, building relationships, and supporting the dogma that we all embraced.


I have changed, slowly at first, then picking up speed like a locomotive – fast and furious. I left the church almost 2 decades ago but kept the friendships, and for awhile, the dogma. My friends have gone their ways to different churches but have maintained the basic fundamental beliefs. I have not. Over time, as I began to trust my own thoughts and decisions again, I changed - radically. I kept those changes somewhat underground for a time, but as life goes on, I find it more and more difficult, if not impossible to do so. It’s not honest. However, it turns out, that when you are in a group that that is very one-dimensional in their thinking, consider their beliefs to be the only true path to God / salvation, whatever, and that all others lead to destruction, there is not much wiggle room for friendship – at least on their part…..which is a whole different can of worms and not for this post.

Family:
I grew up kind of isolated. I am an only child of an immigrant mother; all of her family lived in Scotland; and a much older father - his family lived in Tennessee and I never knew them. I had a few brief connections with my Scottish family but because of distance, gossip or who knows why, those did not really develop into adulthood. My dad kind of kept me from his family – I don’t even pretend to know why. Mom was his second marriage – he had a son by his first. In the last few years, I have had some brief contact with that side of the family including my half brother, but again – distance and history have kept the chasm wide open. As for my parents, well let’s just say my parents did not have a marriage made in heaven - so again – lots of isolation on the homefront.

Now, it seems I long for those familial ties but to no avail. I can’t seem to make a good solid connection with these people – now mostly cousins, nieces and nephews. Not to blame them, mind you – I’m a stranger to them…but it’s kind of hard not to have anyone that remembers you as a child, or someone to remember with.

Addendum to Family:
This is not meant as a “poor me” story. I do have wonderful children and for that I am more grateful that I can put into words. I have a wonderful husband and stepchildren, significant others, and grandchildren – I have been abundantly blessed in that area. I want to make that perfectly clear.

Making New Friends:
Whew! I find that’s not so easy at this point in life. It may be me. It’s probably me – I’m almost sure it’s me. It’s weird - I hated the isolation in my youth. In fact, I drove friends crazy with my desire NOT to be alone – I spent so much time alone at home. But now, I crave solitude. I’m most comfortable alone, or with my husband. I seem to be a bit of an anti-social misanthrope these days. It may be that I see myself as not friend worthy. Or, it may be something else entirely. But I do better at a distance when people can’t see the real me. I think I don’t trust myself to make new friends. I’m almost always certain that people won’t like me. Ugh! That is just so weak and I can’t stand weakness, particularly in myself. So….my subconscious solution is to keep to myself and pretend I’m still the social creature that I once was. Okay, I’m hypothesizing – work with me on this.

The Real Solution:
The real solution is to be myself, no? To completely “out” myself for the radically changed person I’ve become in thought and belief and let the chips fall where they may. I hate to lose friends that I care for but I don’t really have them anyway. They don’t know what to make of me. In any event, it will either cure my solitary tendencies or strengthen them. We shall see.

GRANDMA / GRANDPA CAMP 2010 - OR, I LOVE BEING A GRANDMA

Last weekend we had our first annual (maybe) Grandma Grandpa Camp Extravaganza at our house.  All 9 of our grandchildren attended.  They range from ages 10 months to 12 years old.  That's Abby, the smallest in the flower basket. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't crazy, insane, tiring and sucked almost all the life out of me...and Papa.

I'd also be lying if I said it wasn't fun, funny, rewarding, filled with love and new insights and discoveries into the personalities and characters of these little people that we love so very much. 

We had planned activities like an art table where they painted and drew pictures to decorate our campsite. 
We had an awesome scavenger hunt that, although confusing, seemed to bring a smile to every face...none more than me and Papa's.  The older ones helped the smaller ones.  That's Sarah with the beautiful smile.  She was an amazing helper.

We watched movies and ate popcorn and smores (cooked over the stove because of rain - we didn't let them see us doing that), and had story time.  Everyone had to tell a joke or a story and everyone got a prize afterwards. 

We had pillow fights, pizza and snacks.  Abby, who seems to love any event involving her cousins, had a hard time going to sleep because she didn't want to miss the party so she stayed up a bit later than usual.  But she was totally entertained.  Each child dotes on her as the baby of the family and made sure she was always having fun.



And there were smiles...plenty of smiles!                 OWEN

                         RYAN

NICHOLAS

       

         JACOB

        

NATHAN

                    

                              
COLIN

                                                          

                     

TYLER

There were lots of laughs...and 

crazy antics                                  

      A little flexing...

and pillows flying! 

 And finally, some sad goodbyes:  (

    

But a good time was had by all. 

There is no better time spent than that with ones you love.  I know that any time I feel a little blue, I can revisit moments like these and remind myself how very very blessed I am. 

Of Mice and Men - Kinda...

I’ve had the flu this week…not as in sniffles, runny nose and scratchy throat, but full blown flu with high fever, chills, headache, no appetite, and a cough that developed into an upper respiratory infection requiring antibiotics and strong doses of prednisone to relieve the breathing problems exacerbated by asthma. I literally lay in bed for two whole days. I couldn’t read or watch TV or even check email or Facebook. I slept a lot and I thought a lot – mostly feverish disjointed and unconnected thoughts in between a few tears of self-pity and crying for my mother. It was a toughie. However, I think something good came out of it.

Today is Friday. I’m still in bed. My temperature is down now to 99.7 and I’m feeling weak but well enough to sit up in bed and wander into the living room once in awhile. I’ve read the paper, checked FB and looked at my email. I’ve also put together some of the thoughts that were roiling around in my head the past few delirious days.

I was never much of an achiever in elementary or high school. I was a pretty solid “Group 2” staple (If you went to Catholic school in the 60’s you’ll know what I mean) and blended into the background as best I could.  I was pretty wild and on my own at the age of 18 and married with two babies at the age of 22. My foray into the world of overachiever didn’t begin until after my husband moved out. Talk about an education…I learned quickly what the world was like for a woman without a plan, without higher education, and no money or child support. I started working full time and went back to school at the age of 28 at our local community college funded by the Pell grant. I didn’t know exactly what my plan was. I'd grown up with a minimun of adult supervision and direction and thought that the only jobs out there for women were nursing or teaching and I didn’t want any of that. I took a few classes at a time and worked at various jobs that paid under $7 per hour. And I learned and loved it. I loved school and the idea of school,  and I excelled. What a surprise to find out that I could do so well. It kind of filled a void and gave me back some of the self-esteem that I lost during the deterioration of my marriage. 

Fast forward: It took me 18 years to get my bachelor’s degree and another 4 to get my masters. I raised kids, took classes, dated and married my husband Tim during that time. Sometimes I took semesters off if the schedule became too rough with my kids. I didn’t go at all for a few years while my kids were in high school because they required a lot of attention during that time. But somehow during those years, a goal developed inside of me. It was not specific to a particular career; having a career was the goal. I think at the time I really didn’t care much what it was – just that it paid well and afforded me the …I don’t know…prestige that I craved. I never wanted to be in a position again where I had to depend on someone else for survival and I never wanted to feel like a lower life form again.

Ahh – “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley (often go awry), An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain” ~Robert Burns. Never were truer words spoken. After getting my master’s degree in a field in which I was not all that connected or consumed, I worked hard to break into the field with absolutely no success. I won’t go into full detail here but suffice it to say I have an extremely hard time getting an interview for anything.

I have done volunteer work for a few different social organizations over the past few years. It is work that can be enjoyable and I had hoped that it would help develop me for whatever my career future holds.

REALITY CHECK 2010:   I recently garnered the position of “President” of the org that I am currently involved with. Oh yeah! Before you think “wow, that’s awesome” let me also add that I am the only active board member at this time. The former President, my friend, quit to pursue other ventures. The other board members are really just in name only.  So, I am the board.  I’m tired just thinking about it. And it's a lot of work; networking, writing letters, showing up at events and coordinating events, etc...  There is no pay and it's not easy getting people to join in.  It's a great cause and all that...but I don't think I can do it.  Much more so...I don't think I want to.  I am tired just thinking about it. 

These few paragraphs cannot do any justice to the way I have really been feeling these past 6 months. I don’t have enough energy myself to try to do it justice but I want these thoughts down in writing.

I’ll be 54 in a few weeks. I have been struggling internally for months and years now over my inability to get "somewhere;" the fact that I can’t seem to get out of the office job I have had for 22 years where I am the office manager secretary even though I have a higher education than anyone else there. When I get there in the morning, I have to make the coffee for god's sake.  To top it off, I can’t seem to make a good impression on anyone these days and I’m so tired of trying.

I realized these last few days that maybe I should quit trying so hard. I’m exhausted and have been seriously depressed and I guess, ashamed. I have felt like something is innately wrong with me. My thought yesterday was that I just wanted to give up…not like die - give up, but just to stop trying. Just to be me, a wife, mother and grandmother. I hear lots of people do that and are very happy with it.  I have a wonderful family with 9 beautiful grandchildren, not to mention 6 awesome kids. They’re not all mine by blood but my heart does not know the difference and I love each one dearly. I’ve pretty much been flogging myself regularly because of my perceived failings – for not being good enough. That takes a lot of time away from cherishing what I do have. I’ve been like the horse with blinders on that can only see the path in front of him/her, continually plodding toward something and never arriving.    Meanwhile, I’m missing all the wonderful activity that is going on in the sidelines and berating myself as a failure.

I don't know.  I'm not making any absolute decisions until I'm completely back on my feet again but I do know that something must change inside of me. 

Oh well – I don’t claim to have all the answers from my sickbed induced semi-delirium but I have certainly given myself something to think about. Time for a nap.

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

Last night I watched the 2010 Super bowl. Or, at least, the commercials and half time show. The legendary Who performed at half time. I was pretty excited to see them, feeling proud of their representation of my generation and its significant contribution to music, among other things. The light show was great and the band did a medley of their most famous songs to fill in the 17-minute performance. Roger Daltry and Pete Townsend looked, well... old. I didn’t have a problem with that. While their voices were not in the top form of their youth, they sounded okay and the music was great. So, I was disappointed to see negative comments, some by people from my own generation and not only about their performance, but the way they looked and about why they would be booked to do the Super Bowl instead of a more current performer. Wow! WTF?

My mother used to say that everything was for the young. I only half listened at the time because…well just because. That’s what you do when the world is YOUR oyster. But I remember now and I think I'm starting to understand what she was feeling. These days, I’m feeling that way myself. I’ll be 54 in about 6 weeks. That’s still pretty young by today's standards, but it doesn’t feel that way sometimes.

Lately, I feel that age is the significant factor in just about everything I do, from how I dress to what I eat, think and associate myself with. I’m kind of a late bloomer and just got my master’s degree 3 years ago; I’m progressive, tech savvy and young thinking, yet I’m overlooked for jobs because of my age.  How can one expect someone over the age of 50 to be sharp and competent when there is so much youthful talent out there?

Such is the world we live in and the ethos we nurture here in these United States. We do not value the wisdom that comes with age. Covert maneuvers by our mainstream culture push that which is older to the side, treating it as outdated and ineffective – standing in the way of the future – totally replaceable by that which is more high-tech and trend savvy and...young.

There are still cultures in this world that value older people. It’s sad that we’re not one of them. I’m sorry mom. I didn’t get it when you were here. I do now.

Stranger in a strange land…

This land is your land,

this land is my land…

Not really.

This was my land when I was young.

Now I’ve rounded the corner,

past middle age.

I’m a stranger

feeling as though I don’t belong;

an intruder, encroaching on a landscape

where I no longer have a solid footing.

I’m almost 54.

I used to be someone

or, at least thought I was.

Perhaps it was just an illusion.

But I had a voice,

I had a song.

Folks listened,

and they watched to see what I would do next….

all of us marveling at the possibilities ahead of me.

Then, looking into the eyes of older folks, now long gone

as they relived memories of their heyday,

and remembered the intensity of their own youth,

I pushed impatiently past,

lost in the brilliant optimism of my own possibilities.

I remember my mom’s impassive eyes

In her 7th decade,

gazing back at her past

with wonder, perhaps regret

quietly regarding the unspoken words

that she heard all too clearly;

“move over, its my world now.”

And now I,

in what seemed like the middle of my ascent,

slipped softly past the point of no return

Without even knowing that it happened.

It is I that am expected to move out of the way.

But, I’m not ready…

I’m still relevant…

Significant…

I am.

I feel the same as I did when I was 20.

I don’t look the same but I’m still that girl;

still have plans and hopes and dreams.

But that face in the mirror looking back at me…

aging traitorously…

that’s not me!

But, that is me…

A stranger in a strange land

Kathy Cristoforo (C)

THE ZEN OF WINTER

ZEN - enlightenment that is attained through meditation, self-contemplation, and intuition.

I’m still on winter – hmmm, I guess you might call this a tangent? When I got up today it had snowed. Not very much - we haven’t had as much this year as we’re used to in southeastern Michigan. It was probably an inch and a half or so. But it did the trick, transforming the gray landscape into a wonderland. The sun was shining and everything was covered and sparkling. My drive to work was slippery but delightful. Again, I marveled over the quiet beauty that is the season of winter, my new muse.

Dignified, regal, elegant in its simplicity, winter is the soul of reflection. It is the contemplative season, ceasing outward activity for tranquil introspection, keeping sweet secrets that will surface in the spring in a vibrant rush of new life.

Winter is the guru of cyclical nature, leading us to slow down, reflect and savor the warmth of hearth and home and family and friends, and to forge a mental path for the days to come when time will be stolen by other outdoor activities. Relish the solitude, the chance for brief intervals of hibernation; to recharge and become enlightened.

The Zen of winter.

WINTER REVISITED

I’ve been contemplating winter for awhile now and I’ve concluded that its bad reputation is the result of misunderstanding and perspective. I’m a Michigan girl and as such, can be expected to either love or hate the season. And by love, I mean as in winter sports, skiing, ice skating,snow-shoeing, snowman building, hot chocolate, red cheeks, and the like. And by hate, I mean bitching constantly for at least 4 to 6 months about the upcoming cold weather, being cold, the cold weather and the snow, wearing winter coats, the long miserable season of cold weather, ice and snow, and finally the slow departure of the winter season of cold weather, ice and snow, being cold, winter coats….

I love all of the seasons and in Michigan, they are very distinctly different seasons – no blurred lines, each one with a charm all its own. I suppose I, like many of us, used to be a combination of the love winter/hate winter crowd. I used to number the seasons. Autumn was my favorite – then spring, summer and finally winter. I realized this year that I can’t do that anymore. I see their innate beauty and diversity and how each one imparts something to the others.

Winter is a feast of the senses. It’s vibrant in its stark solitude. It’s restful and designed for respite from the business of the planting, tending and harvesting seasons. It is beautifully elegant in its glittering white cloak and soulfully quiet in demeanor. These days I see winter with different eyes and I love it. It’s a time of rest, reflection and hibernation, staying in bed late reading on weekend mornings. I think winter may be my new muse - I’ve even written a poem about it, posted in the past few weeks.

Here is my list of winter delights, both past and present:

 Hot tea, cheerful warm fires and sparkling snow
 Cozy blankets, warm mittens, soft sweaters and colorful scarves
 Rosy cheeks and catching snowflakes on your tongue
 Christmas lights and goodwill to others
 Steaming bowls of homemade soup and warm bread
 Clouds of warm breath in the frigid air
 Casseroles shared with family and friends
 Birds on the wire keeping warm
 Snow angels
 Hot cider, steaming chestnuts and snowmen with carrot noses and coal eyes.
 Snowballs and sleds
 Frozen lakes dotted with ice shanties
 Warm steamy clouds rising from the city sewers
 Sparkling stars in a cold, clear silent night sky
 Being warm in the cold
 More time to rest
 Reading in bed
 Time to reflect
 Time to plan
 Time to be grateful
 Hibiscus or Paper Whites in a cup to bring thoughts of spring

Winter is lovely.

WINTER

Winter,
oft despised and lamented.
Yet... were the eyes open, 
its majesty displayed
through dormant limbs
filtering gray light, or
dazzling sun and bright blue heavens; 
raising bare hands to the sky,
and casting glittering diamonds on snowbound earth.

Those barren arms stretched forth,
fairly bursting with their secret of life to come.

Winter, a masterpiece in its own right;

Naked yet resplendent in simple elegance. 

Beauty in solitude.

Beauty in frosted silence.

Beauty in quiet reflection,

Winter...

for those with eyes to see.



Kathy Cristoforo  (c)