Yesterday I realized that I feel like my life is out of control. Not just because I ate two candy bars and the last piece of angel food roll that I didn’t really like anyway. And not just because I’m always so squeezed for time and our finances are extremely tight.
These are just a few things, most of which by themselves would not be a big deal, but combined with a list of other trials, tribulations and missteps, become one big time-bomb ready to go off.
It doesn’t have to be that way. I heard a phrase last week that really stuck with me. “Be the captain of your own vessel.” I haven’t been doing that and I think that’s odd for me because I have long been a strong personality. As a younger person, when I wanted to do something I found a way to do it - come “hell or high water” as the saying goes. But these past few years - not so much.
I’ve been feeling tired and a little beat down by life circumstances and I’m not bouncing back like I used to. I’ve gained weight and bought myself a few health problems with it. I won’t go into the details but for cryin’ out loud – no one is forcing that shit down my throat.
I think sometimes that we act out because we’re not getting what we need. Generally, at least for me, it’s something that I won’t allow myself to have. I really don’t take much time for me. It’s not because I’m an unselfish giving person either. Rather, it’s more the ultimate selfishness. Trying to be all things to all people…trying to make everything all better for someone I love – kind of like the great and powerful OZ on the beloved classic, The Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to that man (woman) behind the curtain.” The façade starts falling apart while I try to keep it together, all the while acting like nothing's wrong.
I let this stuff into my head – I live with it and as a result, I act out. For example, I sabotage my diet almost every day and on bad days, I really go to town like the candy bars and cake incident yesterday. I tell myself every day that I’m going to start exercising but then put it off until tomorrow. I lament about my job situation but for all intents and purposes have stopped trying to change it. Tiresome.
Seeing this in writing kind of pummels my self-image. But that’s okay because I’ve been actively assaulting it anyway.
I spent some time thinking about it today and I’ve realized that we get into these mental predicaments and often are not even conscious of what we’re doing to ourselves.
So today, I have decided to become the captain of my own vessel again. I’m refraining from my attempts to take over other people’s vessels. Instead, I’ll allow them the dignity of steering their own. I’m determined to remind myself of the stamina, gumption and strength that I always had in the past and I’m going to reclaim it. I’m making a plan for my:
Health
Mental state
Spiritual state
Financial state
State of relationships
Today I set sail.
