THE PLAYGROUND

On and off throughout my adult life I’ve gone back to hang around the old metaphorical playground. You know the one…It’s in your head.  It consists of memories and scenarios from earlier years.  It seems to be my own special brand of self-torture.  My crack, as it were.  You see, I have a lot of memories.  You do too.  The difference, if there is one, is that I tend to go back and play with mine.  More often than is good for me. The bad ones; and there were a whole lot of bad ones, the good ones, and the ones in between – let’s call them the events – things that, although not terrible, I wish had turned out differently.  I’m an equal opportunity sadist.  I give almost equal time to the bad memories and the events.   I think about the good ones too, but they don’t need a different outcome so I don’t have to spend as much time on them.  So, I go to the other ones because you know…maybe I can change the outcome?  Yes, I said that.

I don’t really believe that….not the intelligent woman of the world part of me.  It’s that other insecure  ego   character lurking around in here.   She’s always blowing things.  There’s nothing Zen about that one.

The good news is that I’m making new memories all the time.  I have a great husband and family and things are pretty good.  The bad news is that I’ll probably be trying to fix these new memories sometime in the future as they add up on my “broken” pile.   If you’re so busy with your past, you’re bound to be screwing things up in the present that you will be sorry for later.  See what I mean?  Who let the dogs out for God’s sake?  It’s almost like I’ve got to keep f’ing things up so I won’t run out of things that can’t be fixed.   Such is the crazy train on which I ride.

I've noticed that time and its passage seem to be a theme in many of my posts so I suppose it is a big issue for me.  I don’t do the playground thing all of the time.  It comes and goes with no particular rhyme or reason.  It seems to be an obsession that materializes every so often - an indulgence that bears no fruit.  And when it happens, I have a very difficult time letting go.  But eventually I do.  For awhile. 

CHASING TRUTH

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."  ~Oscar Wilde

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."  ~Gloria Steinem

I decided long ago that blind faith is not where it’s at – that everything is open to investigation and if questions arise, not only should I search out the answers, but more importantly, I should ask the questions – oftentimes, out loud.   I determined that I would allow my discoveries to shine the light on the very essence of my being and allow new truths to upset the apple cart of my fixed beliefs.  I knew I would not fall apart.  And guess what?  I didn't.

However, I've alienated friends and acquaintances over the years. That makes me sad.  I wish it were not that way.   But the truth is throughout history there have been people who took an unpopular stance within their circles.  They changed.  They veered away from the status quo of their groups.  The changes in them made people angry…and perhaps scared.  It is hard to be around someone whose transformations threaten the hub upon which your life is built. 

It is frightening to face the dissolution of a core belief.  And so, even in the face of overwhelming evidence, many people will cling to them because the are the bedrock and center of their lives and their loss is unthinkable.  But I've found that releasing beliefs that don't work or make sense is freedom, albeit frightening at first.  I've been through it.  Once you let go of the fear, the freedom is incredible...the freedom to search out truth.  And that's how we were made.

I've never really become accustomed to the evaporation of relationships.  And though at times with some relationships, I've actually felt relief, I'm mostly just sad.