Perceptions II

You know how you can be going along, minding your own business, feeling okay – no big problems? Everything is status quo; nothing but the little everyday annoyances that pester everyone, like stupid drivers, rush hour and whiney customers – irksome, but nothing that really breaks a wave on your radar. Then, for reasons unknown, ripples roll across your sea of calm. You’re not sure why but suddenly, everything shifts and you are left uneasy and without a clue.

Sunday was my birthday. It’s not like I’m all thrilled about being further into 50 something, but on my birthday, I’m a bit like a kid. I mean I have a birthday song…”Today’s my birthday.”… You’d have to hear it – but I digress. It’s not about presents or cards or cake. That’s all nice but it’s more. Maybe it’s about what I’ve come through in my life and the fact that I’m still here – a survivor against the odds – and with a beautiful family to boot.

Anyhoo, I was sitting at the table at my daughter’s house for a birthday dinner with my family. Everyone is talking and laughing and we’ve just had a nice meal. And then it hit – the shift. Nothing perceptible changed – only a shift in my own mind. No one else noticed a thing. Everything just continued on. I kept smiling and laughing, but on the inside, I was scared and sad. I wanted to cry but I didn’t know why and I couldn’t point to any one thing. I just wanted to go home.

The feeling persisted the rest of the evening. We had cake and ice cream, talked a bit more and left. When we got home, I washed my face, put my pajamas on and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch near my sweetheart, looking for solace in what is my personal safe harbor.

The next day, everything was fine. But, I thought about it all day. What causes that kind of shift in perspective, that jumbling of personal paradigm, especially when nothing has changed? Is it a blip in my psyche or a rumble in the spiritual realm? Maybe I need more medication – don’t quote me on that.

I don’t really have an answer. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that at that table were many of the people who are most important to me. I recall a conversation that I had with my husband on the way to my daughter’s home about the recent deaths of four teenagers killed by a drunk driver just a

few miles from there. We talked about how it could have been any of us sitting at that light waiting to turn, only to be destroyed by the poor choice of a complete stranger. No warning, no way of escape – countless lives altered.

I guess you could say, the more you have, the greater the risk of loss. But that is too simply stated. It doesn’t matter if you have one loved one or ten – a loss is a loss. All I know is that I had a small tremor beneath the surface of calm reminding me that all life is transient and precious and how my world could change by a random act, an illness or some unforseen event. None of us have a guarantee that trouble and sadness will not visit us. We don’t have an absolute road map for the future, so we have to make each moment count. My tiny temporary paradigm shift was the smallest fraction of what the families of those lost teenagers face, and mine was just that – temporary. So again, I look forward with a thankful heart, reminded of the importance of living in the present and refusing to dwell in melancholy and scary possibilities. But I’m determined to make each moment count with those that I love so much.

Magic

Is there really no magic? I’ve entertained magical thinking all of my life. I didn’t realize I was still doing it until recently. When you’re little, you are taught to believe in magic. You know - Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy and the like. You slowly begin to see that it isn’t quite so, which really kind of sucks. I beat up the little boy who told me there was no Santa when I was seven. I reallllly believed and besides, my mother wouldn’t lie to me! But there I was, sitting on my mom’s lap crying about Santa after my mom came clean and told me that he didn’t exist, at least not in the way I’d been led to believe. For a few years afterwards, I even tried to pretend there still was a Santa at Christmas time, but it wasn’t the same – my eyes had been opened. But you survive. It’s all kid stuff, right? Then there’s church. A whole new set of stuff to believe in that you can’t see. I have this picture of Jesus in a small glass frame that I was given at the age of 4. His eyes follow you wherever you move. I still have it. Being an only child, I spent a lot of alone time with that picture, talking to it, imagining Jesus talking back, joking around with it and taking comfort from it when I was scared or sad. He was my friend. I went to Catholic church and school, and absorbed all of those teachings. It was nice.

As Ive mentioned in prior posts, I spent 10 plus years as a Christian fundamentalist in my early 20’s and 30’s – a realm of magical thinking, most scary in the long run, and the one that may have had the most profound effect on me. I’ve heard every kind of magical thinking in that environment, partook of it myself and did not come away unscathed. When I removed myself from that environment, all hell broke loose as it were. I didn’t know what to believe or trust and eventually hung up on God for quite a while.

Life is different now. I guess my natural cynicism has resurfaced, but in a good way, I think. I’ve come to realize that our built in instincts are okay – even God given. They are put there for a reason to help us make sense of our world. I’ve realized that just believing something, no matter how much you want it to be true, doesn’t make it so. And rather than that truth being disappointing and upsetting, it is instead freeing and comforting. There doesn’t have to be an answer for everything and certainly all truth is not contained in the pages of one small book written by men. Now, for me, the creator of this universe is not some bigoted, giant, narcissistic entity, that demands all and treats us as pitiful, helpless and hapless creatures that can't make a decision for ourselves. Instead, the entity is one I trust and take comfort in, knowing that his design will not fail in the long run, no matter what it is; that I don’t have to know the whole mystery; understanding that all of the energy and life force is there inside of me for me to use for good, and is made up of and part of that creator; positive that his design is not so exclusive as to banish all who don’t lock in to one narrow perspective.

Still, I persist in my search for magic – little glimmers of fairy dust; proof that I am uniquely singled out, for, or to witness the magical whatever it may be. This past week has been a particularly tough one for me. I found myself on Friday attending a party of one, indulging briefly in light servings of self pity. I lost the dream, there is no magic - woe is me......I challenged God to show me the magic! I knew he would. I didn't have anything in particular in mind - just something magical. He did not come through. It’s true that old habits die hard and having been born and bred to expect it, I still wait for it now and then, often disappointed. And yet, that is part of the wonder of waiting for that special dispensation that may never come, or be recognized if it does. In the meantime, I try to live in the present moment which is what I make of it; and in that, there is peace, and a great measure of comfort, knowing that I don’t have to kick any ass for anyone else breaking my bubble, or lament over the disappointment of dreams that did not magically come true. I can choose to see magic in the smiles of my friends, the love of my family, and the little wonders and opportunities that come along happenstance to do good in the life of another soul. I can be grateful for the good things in my life. And, I can just be me working toward my own dreams and enjoying each moment that passes if I dare to do so. Even so, the child inside lingers on. I’ll still wish on stars and look for magic dust in the little corners of my life. But that will be my little secret.