THREADS

Every time we lose someone, whether it is through death, disagreement, or otherwise, a thread comes loose from the fabric of our lives. Sometimes it’s a small thread. We patch it up and go on. Other times it’s a larger thread and the whole fabric feels different for a while – more slack and thus, more fragile. If too many come loose in a short period of time, we find ourselves slipping apart and struggling to regain the tension that makes our fabric / life work. It’s a strange thing. Worst of all is when a central thread is taken, like a mother, father, child, sibling or close family member. Now the fabric has changed, irreparably it seems at the time, and we have to figure out how to proceed.

I lost my Aunt Kathleen whose namesake I am - my mother’s older sister. I’ve loved her dearly since I was a very small child. She lived in Scotland where the family was born and raised and where all of my mother's family was during my childhood. I haven’t spent a lot of time with her. She’s been to the states maybe 5 or 6 times. I’ve been to Scotland two times up until now. But she always kept in touch, always made me feel special and like I was part of her family. As a child, whenever she’d leave to go back to Scotland, or when I’d leave Scotland with my mother to come home, I’d cry hysterically, devastated at the looming separation. I think that baffled both my aunt and my mother.

When my mother was dying, I spoke with Aunty Kathleen almost daily. In the past 7 years since mom’s death, I’ve spoken with her nearly every month. Knowing she was there offered a bit of my mother…and a family to which I belonged. She died suddenly from a fall a few weeks ago at the age of 88, still healthy and vibrant.

I flew to Scotland for her funeral the first week of December and was so thankful I was able to go. But I’m home now and suddenly realizing the loss. A very big thread for so many reasons and I’m keenly aware of the slack in my fabric.

Being in Scotland, the place where she lived – the place of my mother’s birth and the place where most of her family still dwells was an enormous experience. I was there only 5 days but in that small space and time, I was a part of a family – a thread in the fabric, experiencing each moment with my cousins and family friends. It was a feeling and experience that I’ve longed for – I think for most of my life. I feel homesick for Scotland and for my cousins whom I barely know. And I understand that if I went back in 6 months or next year, it would be different - everyone has their own lives to attend to. Those 5 days were special because we were enmeshed with the glue that was our love and respect for our dear aunt and we shared that time together to honor her and remember how special she was in each of our lives. It bound us together as a family and was, at least for me, a very precious time.  She would have been so pleased.

As for me, I will keep in touch with my dear Scottish family always.  And someday, I’ll go back again. In the meantime, I will pull taut the fabric of my life, remembering where and from whom I’ve come.