Foiled again…or, would you like some cheese with that whine?

Foiled:  To prevent from being successful; to thwart.

I swear, there’s a conspiracy. Because, really – I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s my destiny? Perhaps I have a subconscious need to fail? I was born under a bad sign? I’m being tested…Someone has to flunk out…why not me?

I awoke in a bit of a funk this morning. It happens occasionally. As a rule I try to avoid thinking about this stuff, but sometimes it has its way with me. Today must be that day.

Since this is my blog and there are only about three people actually who read it, allow me to wallow whine for a few moments without guilt.

I’ve always liked the story about the Phoenix rising from the ashes. You know, that mythical bird whose life burns fiercely at the end and is reduced to ashes? But from the ashes, a new phoenix egg is hatched and the phoenix rises to live again; a resurrection of sorts or a miraculous comeback. There are a few different versions but the one I like best is where “the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (sun city in Greek)” (Wikipedia). It is said that the bird's tears contain healing abilities of pureness, and their cry is that of a beautiful song.

Anyway, I have liked to apply that scenario to my own life (delusions of grandeur?). I have believed that hard work, energy, determination and ambition would somehow bring about that “rebirth” that I was looking for. I would overcome my humble and misguided beginnings. Damn it all, I was going to prove something, although now, for the life of me, I can’t say exactly what.

I realized early, albeit not early enough, that I had to do something to ensure that I would never have to depend on another person for survival again. It became my mission.

I’m a musician - at heart - primarily a singer. It’s in my blood, my family line – it’s me. I wanted to learn an instrument and took a few piano lessons but felt I needed to work toward something with which I could support myself and my family after a divorce in my 20’s left me with 2 small children, a home, no child support and a $7 per hour job. So I went to school..for 20 years on an off. I took advantage of government programs for single moms. After I remarried, I took out federal loans to continue because after all, I was making sure I could fend for myself. I wanted to major in music but couldn’t see how I could support us on a musician’s salary. I also longed to study psychology but thought it was a tenuous link to a decent financial future. I chose human resource development, not because I loved the idea, but because it sounded doable. So many manufacturing companies in the area that would need HR people. I obtained a degree in HR, not quite making it into the field – somehow still stuck at the insurance agency. But no problem!  Surely a master’s degree would be the thing. So, I got a master’s in training and development because it was easy – I could continue on at Oakland University and attend off campus sites which was easier for me with my full time job. Additionally, Instructional design, the emphasis I chose, had the possibility of earning a nice sum in the future.

Fast forward to the future – 2009. I graduated 3 years ago. I am still working for the same small insurance agency that I have been at for almost 22 years. I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT, get into my field. In fact, I cannot seem to get into another job anywhere. It is not for lack of trying by the way (ok, not trying that hard lately).

I am not doing any music…I suppose I should be but I don’t know how anymore. I don’t want to go to church and I don’t want to sing worship music. I don’t play an instrument and there’s not a huge market for 53 year old singers who don’t even have their own repertoire and/or instrument. Yeah, boo hoo.

I am very interested in social activism and work on the fringes with a group that is currently being revitalized but I somehow feel lost there as well.

I have concluded that I have wasted so much precious time and energy doing things I felt I was supposed to do, that were supposed to help me get started on my path to ……I don’t know what…somewhere, but instead, find myself running up against my old nemesis yet again; the stone wall.

I still have desire to work, be successful, do things I love, but I may be running out of energy, willpower and vision. Don't get me wrong, there are many wonderful things about my life, but for this particular pity party I'm focusing on my work/creative life. 


As is often the case, I’ve learned my lessons well and I know what mistakes I’ve made…now! I have discovered them just a bit too late. Well, in truth, it’s probably never too late to figure out what you did wrong…but hey, this is my whine okay? While there is life left to salvage and while I’m still one to make the best of a situation, i.e. … taking lemons and making lemonade, the sadness over what could have been lingers and as I am wont to do, I revisit the losses occasionally and entertain a moment of mourning self-pity.

Foiled again. Worst of all...foiled by my own choices or lack thereof. 

But wait, there it is…that teeny part of me that is an eternal optimist (I hate her sometimes). But she’s in there nonetheless. That’s the part that makes me try again. So, like that frickin’ phoenix, I will dig myself up out of those ashes, metaphorically speaking, and rise again.  Well, at least, I'll keep on trying.  Ghaaa!