At work this morning I was performing my morning ritual of “making the coffee” as I do every day because…that’ my job. This ritual generally includes a plastic secretary smile that belies the chronic and unceasing complaining that is going on in my head every day at this time about my low status in the corporate universe along one or more of the following lines:
- Glad I spent all that money which I’m still paying back on a master’s degree.
- Sob's can’t make a pot of coffee?
- Why does God/universe hate me?
- Karma?
- Job titles: plumber, maid, hostess and office manager and that's just at work– don’t ask.
- Various and sundry other grievances regarding my current work life.
But while I was driving to work I was thinking about peace, love and the brotherhood of man. No really.
I’ve been reading this book by Pema Chodron called “Taking the Leap” in which she discusses various eastern and Buddhist practices toward becoming a better person. One of the practices is called Tonglen, which serves to help one reduce selfish attachment and promote the development and expansion of loving kindness toward all beings.
For example, when you look at say, a homeless or mentally ill person on the street, or anyone whose gaze you may evade in order to escape the reaction or feeling they evoke in you; with Tonglen, you would instead breathe in and confront that feeling or emotion and breathe out goodwill and kindness and the wish for comfort in that person's life. You are confronting the feeling that makes you uncomfortable. That's my very simple version of Tonglen - it's really way much more than that, but it's first dealing with your own reaction to discomfort, then projecting goodness on to the individual you would otherwise have avoided.
Today when I was contemplating Tonglen, I thought it must be much like the way Mother Teresa thought. I think she put herself in the shoes of the people she served – actually becoming one of them so she could minister and serve them with true compassion.
This morning while I was performing my internal bitching session in concert with coffee-making it occurred to me - Ugh! Mother Teresa would just make the damn coffee!
So, if I can't overlook something so silly as a bit of ingrained sexism in the office how will I ever truly be the kind of person I want to be - kind, compassionate and loving. It's really all about just getting over yourself.
Well, anyway, I never said I was Mother Teresa. I made the coffee but I've got to keep working on that attitude.
We are a species filled with imagination, resourcefulness and creativity. We create from what we envision.
We're sometimes gullible. We can believe in almost anything. Different groups, different beliefs - we place our trust in the government, USDA, FDA,
EPA and the AMA, just to name a few. We believe in faith healers, televangelists, psychics and mediums.
Some believe in a "rapture" wherein everyone who is a true "believer" is one day caught up into the heavens to be with God, or that Jesus Christ is coming back on a white horse. Others believe in 7 virgins for every martyr for their cause.
We swallow info on every fad diet that comes down the pike. We'll try every miracle vitamin product, wrinkle cream and exercise dodad that finds its way to the market. We're gullible man!
And yet, we pray for peace and promote war. Imagination run amuck. That's not right. Why can't we create peace....imagine oneness....the brotherhood of man...non-violence.
Well, I think that this is the side God's on........see below.
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
~JOHN LENNON
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I will be celebrating with my two children at my son-in-law's mother's home and I'm looking forward to it.
I haven't always looked forward to Mother's day. I didn't always have the best relationship with my own mother, although I loved her dearly. Somehow, that put a crimp in our celebrations - at least on my part. I was always hyper vigilant that nothing was said that could somehow be turned against me at a later date because that was mom's forte. I also felt guilty about my own mothering skills as my children grew up. Mother's day just reminded me of how unworthy I was compared to most of the other mothers I knew back when I was struggling to raise my own.
Now I realize how wasteful that kind of thinking is. My mom died on May 10, 2004, the day after Mother's Day. She was ill - her heart was failing and she was suffering from dementia and living at our home when she died. She knew who we were but didn't always know where she was. As the dementia progressed, she became very quiet, docile and passive - a shell of the person she had been. She stayed in bed more and more each day. She ate very little - mostly just tea and toast. She watched a little bit of TV but slept most of the time.
I took care of my mom, especially during that last year when she lived with us. But somehow, I still managed to avoid her. Not that I didn't see her daily - I can't really explain it. We had someone come in during the day to take care of her while we were at work but I was there every night. I did what had to be done but managed to keep a solid distance between us - I guess emotionally. I was incredibly uncomfortable and I think, a little cold sometimes. I guess I was protecting myself.
On our last Mother's Day celebration, she did not even get up to eat with us. I brought her a small plate of food in her room and she ate very little. Later, we all had dessert and tea in her room with her while she opened her presents. There was lots of talking and laughing and she really seemed to enjoy herself. It was very sweet.
I wish I could have that day back again. Knowing what I know now, I would do things differently. I would spend the entire day in her room with the windows open and curtains blowing in the breeze. I would watch TV with her and hold her hand. I would talk to her and ask her to reminisce about her family and childhood. I'd let go of all the unspoken stuff that stood between us and I would tell her all of the great things I remember about her.
Like my memory of walking down the street with her eating an ice-cream cone at the age of 4 or 5 on a warm summer's day. I dropped my cone on the sidewalk and it landed upside down on the ice cream. I started crying and mom, cool as a cucumber, told me not to cry, picked up the cone and wiped it on the front of her shirt so I could eat it. I was seriously in awe. She was my hero. I can still remember to this day the admiration I felt for her that moment.
I'd talk about her kelly green wool dress and her kelly green fur hat that she donned every St. Patrick's day when she went out to celebrate with her friends. She always looked so awesome in that get-up and she loved to celebrate our Irish ancestry. She was quite the party girl in her day.
I'd remind her of how she always brought me a box of Milk Duds when she was at the movies with friends.
I'd tell her of how much fun she was when I was small and all the little things she did to make me laugh. I'd tell her she was the best grandmother to my children that anyone could have hoped for and that I learned to be a good grandmother from her.
I'd let her know that I was so thankful for all the times she helped me when times were hard and I'd tell her how much I loved her in spite of the emotional distance that grew between us over the years.
It's kind of a shame - so many things left unsaid that were clouded over by hurt feelings and mistrust. And what was I protecting myself from anyway? Sigh... just a plain waste of precious time.
It's said that "hindsight is 20/20." In my experience, that's very true.
So, these days I try very hard to make sure that my relationship with my grown children is solid and filled with love and trust. I don't want them to go through the same kind of sadness and loss when it's my time to go and I don't want anything left unsaid. That's where the greatest loss is and it can be avoided.
I'm not terribly sad anymore though. Mom knew that I loved her. We always kissed and hugged every time we saw each other. And we always said I love you. I have some great memories of her. I only wish I'd shown her more.
I love you mom.
I’m forever sabotaging myself. I don’t like to admit it – but it’s true. And it’s not because I want to. Why on earth would a person do that to themselves? Yet, here we are.
Yesterday I realized that I feel like my life is out of control. Not just because I ate two candy bars and the last piece of angel food roll that I didn’t really like anyway. And not just because I’m always so squeezed for time and our finances are extremely tight.
These are just a few things, most of which by themselves would not be a big deal, but combined with a list of other trials, tribulations and missteps, become one big time-bomb ready to go off.
It doesn’t have to be that way. I heard a phrase last week that really stuck with me. “Be the captain of your own vessel.” I haven’t been doing that and I think that’s odd for me because I have long been a strong personality. As a younger person, when I wanted to do something I found a way to do it - come “hell or high water” as the saying goes. But these past few years - not so much.
I’ve been feeling tired and a little beat down by life circumstances and I’m not bouncing back like I used to. I’ve gained weight and bought myself a few health problems with it. I won’t go into the details but for cryin’ out loud – no one is forcing that shit down my throat.
I think sometimes that we act out because we’re not getting what we need. Generally, at least for me, it’s something that I won’t allow myself to have. I really don’t take much time for me. It’s not because I’m an unselfish giving person either. Rather, it’s more the ultimate selfishness. Trying to be all things to all people…trying to make everything all better for someone I love – kind of like the great and powerful OZ on the beloved classic, The Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to that man (woman) behind the curtain.” The façade starts falling apart while I try to keep it together, all the while acting like nothing's wrong.
I let this stuff into my head – I live with it and as a result, I act out. For example, I sabotage my diet almost every day and on bad days, I really go to town like the candy bars and cake incident yesterday. I tell myself every day that I’m going to start exercising but then put it off until tomorrow. I lament about my job situation but for all intents and purposes have stopped trying to change it. Tiresome.
Seeing this in writing kind of pummels my self-image. But that’s okay because I’ve been actively assaulting it anyway.
I spent some time thinking about it today and I’ve realized that we get into these mental predicaments and often are not even conscious of what we’re doing to ourselves.
So today, I have decided to become the captain of my own vessel again. I’m refraining from my attempts to take over other people’s vessels. Instead, I’ll allow them the dignity of steering their own. I’m determined to remind myself of the stamina, gumption and strength that I always had in the past and I’m going to reclaim it. I’m making a plan for my:
Health
Mental state
Spiritual state
Financial state
State of relationships
Today I set sail.
