It’s been the usual…you know; I’m not where I thought I would be, and all that stuff. But there was an atypical twist this time. I have come to realize that I’m a bit isolated….from friends, from family, from making new friends – from people in general. I seem to have withdrawn somehow.
This has never been what I intended but my guess is that it’s a byproduct of the journey I’ve been on.
Friends:
I have a sizeable network of friends from my early years when I was entrenched in fundamental Christianity. It was a tight knit group and we spent many fun and happy hours together growing up, building relationships, and supporting the dogma that we all embraced.
I have changed, slowly at first, then picking up speed like a locomotive – fast and furious. I left the church almost 2 decades ago but kept the friendships, and for awhile, the dogma. My friends have gone their ways to different churches but have maintained the basic fundamental beliefs. I have not. Over time, as I began to trust my own thoughts and decisions again, I changed - radically. I kept those changes somewhat underground for a time, but as life goes on, I find it more and more difficult, if not impossible to do so. It’s not honest. However, it turns out, that when you are in a group that that is very one-dimensional in their thinking, consider their beliefs to be the only true path to God / salvation, whatever, and that all others lead to destruction, there is not much wiggle room for friendship – at least on their part…..which is a whole different can of worms and not for this post.
Family:
I grew up kind of isolated. I am an only child of an immigrant mother; all of her family lived in Scotland; and a much older father - his family lived in Tennessee and I never knew them. I had a few brief connections with my Scottish family but because of distance, gossip or who knows why, those did not really develop into adulthood. My dad kind of kept me from his family – I don’t even pretend to know why. Mom was his second marriage – he had a son by his first. In the last few years, I have had some brief contact with that side of the family including my half brother, but again – distance and history have kept the chasm wide open. As for my parents, well let’s just say my parents did not have a marriage made in heaven - so again – lots of isolation on the homefront.
Now, it seems I long for those familial ties but to no avail. I can’t seem to make a good solid connection with these people – now mostly cousins, nieces and nephews. Not to blame them, mind you – I’m a stranger to them…but it’s kind of hard not to have anyone that remembers you as a child, or someone to remember with.
Addendum to Family:
This is not meant as a “poor me” story. I do have wonderful children and for that I am more grateful that I can put into words. I have a wonderful husband and stepchildren, significant others, and grandchildren – I have been abundantly blessed in that area. I want to make that perfectly clear.
Making New Friends:
Whew! I find that’s not so easy at this point in life. It may be me. It’s probably me – I’m almost sure it’s me. It’s weird - I hated the isolation in my youth. In fact, I drove friends crazy with my desire NOT to be alone – I spent so much time alone at home. But now, I crave solitude. I’m most comfortable alone, or with my husband. I seem to be a bit of an anti-social misanthrope these days. It may be that I see myself as not friend worthy. Or, it may be something else entirely. But I do better at a distance when people can’t see the real me. I think I don’t trust myself to make new friends. I’m almost always certain that people won’t like me. Ugh! That is just so weak and I can’t stand weakness, particularly in myself. So….my subconscious solution is to keep to myself and pretend I’m still the social creature that I once was. Okay, I’m hypothesizing – work with me on this.
The Real Solution:
The real solution is to be myself, no? To completely “out” myself for the radically changed person I’ve become in thought and belief and let the chips fall where they may. I hate to lose friends that I care for but I don’t really have them anyway. They don’t know what to make of me. In any event, it will either cure my solitary tendencies or strengthen them. We shall see.
