GHOSTS APPEAR

I keep going back,
searching, looking….for something I can’t find.
Nothing but an empty field now,
outlined by brand new curbs
a framework of what once was.

The street that once claimed 100 homes -
a community diverse – Italian, Polish, African American, Mexican, Irish;
different accents, faint voices – now long gone;
grandparents now settled in their graves,
kids grown and off to new spaces. 

I keep going back...
gazing at the spot where the childhood home stood,
nothing reminiscent of my time there save an old tree or two.
The carcass of a school playground and
the old church at the corner
the remaining vestiges
of childhood play.
Still I see everything,
silhouettes that materialize for a moment
evaporating before I get too close -
achingly near, but just out of reach.

I keep going back,
bits and pieces of the past...
Mr. Scavone's pigeons
whose ancestors search for bread
now at new locales.
Elderly crone, the old lady Woods,
neighborhood witch,
taunted by merry pranksters
secretly afraid,
now haunts only in memories
of the aging adult child.

I keep going back
as if I’ll find it this time -
this thing I cannot name
that haunts me with promises
of a rendezvous that can’t occur…
striving to find moments long past
or perhaps,
just something or someone to remember me back…

Still I go back time and again,
searching the unsearchable,
leaving empty, unfulfilled.
Looking for something I’ll never find
except in transient moments in my head.

Ghosts appear and fade away….

THINGS THAT ARE

If you’re human, every so often a realization hits you or your paradigm gets shifted.  It happens when a small fissure of light cracks the through a hard surface where a new truth dwells.  When it occurs you have a choice – a split second where you can choose to freefall into that light and explore the new knowledge or rapidly blink it away and then it’s gone.  Nothing has changed and you’re none the worse...or so you think.

I believe it happens time and again to most of us.  Often we avoid the tiny splinter of light because somehow we know it will change us and that can be scary.  And it’s a lot of work too.  We have to examine it and try it on. It may feel tight and restrictive or it may not fit well with the rest of our intellectual wardrobe.  So we let it go and assume that we know enough of the truth to get by. 

As for me, at times I have boldly stepped through and looked at the “thing that is” squarely and honestly and have acknowledged it, allowing the restructure of my perceptions.  It can hurt a bit at first.  And it’s troublesome, illuminating new reality and shining light on the other pieces of my paradigm that are skewed and need to be modified. 

Still, other times I’ve blinked my eyes back into focus on what I already know and believe. I’m comfortable with it and I don’t want the disruption to my reality - one that already sounds good in my head. So sadly, for that time being, it’s gone.

I like to think that I am more the freefall type at least most of the time. I like to think that I become more so as time goes on in my life. I’m open, involved, free-thinking, passionate and compassionate. Yet I’m amazed with the realization that occasionally, I still do the psychological two-step with my rational mind, hanging on to obtuse beliefs and feel-good philosophies regarding peace, love and the brotherhood of man.

I'm not saying that the idea of peace and brotherhood are foolish notions -rather, and obviously, that they are not easily achieved. They require hard work and commitment on the part of men, religions and governments. In the smaller spectrum, they entail listening to others and opening oneself up to different realities.  They involve letting go of everything you think you know to look at reality through another’s eyes.  Most of all, they require plummeting in to the light of truth when it presents itself and exploring with candor and courage the things that are.