On and off throughout my adult life I’ve gone back to
hang around the old metaphorical playground. You know the one…It’s in your head. It consists of memories and scenarios from
earlier years. It
seems to be my own special brand of self-torture. My crack, as it were. You see, I have a lot of memories. You do too.
The difference, if there is one, is that I tend to go back and play with
mine. More often than is good for me. The
bad ones; and there were a whole lot of bad ones, the good ones, and the ones in between – let’s call them the events – things that, although not terrible, I wish had turned out differently. I’m an equal opportunity sadist. I give almost equal time to the bad memories and the
events. I think about the good ones
too, but they don’t need a different outcome so I don’t have to spend as much
time on them. So, I go to the other ones
because you know…maybe I can change the outcome? Yes, I said that.
I don’t really believe that….not the intelligent woman of the world part of me. It’s that other insecureego character lurking around in here. She’s always blowing things. There’s nothing Zen about that one.
The good news is that I’m making new memories all the time. I have a great husband and family and things are pretty good. The bad news is that I’ll probably be trying to fix these new memories sometime in the future as they add up on my “broken” pile. If you’re so busy with your past, you’re bound to be screwing things up in the present that you will be sorry for later. See what I mean? Who let the dogs out for God’s sake? It’s almost like I’ve got to keep f’ing things up so I won’t run out of things that can’t be fixed. Such is the crazy train on which I ride.
I've noticed that time and its passage seem to be a theme in many of my posts so I suppose it is a big issue for me. I don’t do the playground thing all of the time. It comes and goes with no particular rhyme or reason. It seems to be an obsession that materializes every so often - an indulgence that bears no fruit. And when it happens, I have a very difficult time letting go. But eventually I do. For awhile.
I don’t really believe that….not the intelligent woman of the world part of me. It’s that other insecure
The good news is that I’m making new memories all the time. I have a great husband and family and things are pretty good. The bad news is that I’ll probably be trying to fix these new memories sometime in the future as they add up on my “broken” pile. If you’re so busy with your past, you’re bound to be screwing things up in the present that you will be sorry for later. See what I mean? Who let the dogs out for God’s sake? It’s almost like I’ve got to keep f’ing things up so I won’t run out of things that can’t be fixed. Such is the crazy train on which I ride.
I've noticed that time and its passage seem to be a theme in many of my posts so I suppose it is a big issue for me. I don’t do the playground thing all of the time. It comes and goes with no particular rhyme or reason. It seems to be an obsession that materializes every so often - an indulgence that bears no fruit. And when it happens, I have a very difficult time letting go. But eventually I do. For awhile.
