STOP

Yesterday was Valentine’s day. You know – that popular holiday typified by large red hearts, ridiculously expensive gifts and cards, chocolate and all the other frills that can go along with it. But yesterday, the big red heart was replaced by a big red STOP sign in my head. Valentine’s day really doesn’t have much to do with today’s post unless you count the entire box of chocolates I ate yesterday, the effects of which I am still reeling from. STOP could have aptly been applied there. This post just took form on Valentine’s day.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. I can’t point to any one thing specifically. There seems to be a hodgepodge of circumstances, thoughts and emotions that are roiling around in my mind, making me feel slightly off center. I’m currently going through menopause so I could probably explain away about 90 percent of the crazy with that if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. Sure, I have rapid cycling hot flashes and mood swings that are probably terrifying to those with weaker constitutions, but that's just too easy. I will not be so easily dismissed. I will not go "gently into that dark night” without having my say and making a little commotion as it were.

Now I happen to be fortunate enough to have married a man whom I suppose is a perfect balance for me. While I struggle to remain positive, having been brought up in a pretty negative environment, he remains positive at almost all times. That really is a good thing because Tim, aka Pollyanna, often reminds me to look at the sunny side of life when he sees me spiraling. For this I am very thankful. For this I am also at times annoyed. Sometimes, his "turn that frown upside down" attitude makes me feel even a wee bit irritable.

I’m very busy. Hear me when I say this. I work full time and take care of a home. I pay the bills with a very tight budget, do the grocery shopping, laundry, cook the meals, plan and schedule, birthdays and holidays, shop for said events, troll for jobs in my field…you get the drift, especially if you are a woman reading this. So yesterday, we’re driving to our granddaughter’s basketball game, me and my sweetheart. As I've mentioned, positive thinking is not a natural trait of mine – I really have to work at it and I backslide sometimes. We’re in the car, it’s snowing, we’re late. My honey is driving slower that I would like and slows down even more when he realizes I am staring at the speedometer (he’s a little passive aggressive that way). I forgot to buy candy to take to my little ones for Valentine’s day so we have to stop at the store for that. There’s no windshield washer fluid in my van and there hasn’t been for days so we can’t see out of the windows. In addition, It’s Saturday and I have a laundry list of things that have to be done this weekend just to get us through the next week. You see where this is going right - the inevitable meltdown? It’s all building up inside of me and I open my mouth and say, “I hate being late, we still need windshield washer fluid, I can’t see out the window, I wish I had bought the candy yesterday, stupid drivers! I don't think I even took a breath. My partner responded by rolling his eyes and saying, “that’s right honey, let it all out at once,” in his most acerbic tone. A tiny revolution occurred in my mind at that moment. STOP STOP STOP! Every stop sign I saw was screaming at me. I had tears in my eyes. I had the fight the compulsion to cry for the rest of the day. My sweety never even suspected the mental insurgency that was happening during that ride to the basketball game.

And there it is. We’re all busy. But every woman I know will tell you that women bear the burden of time – or lack of it. And sometimes, we are the ones to blame. We don’t make time for ourselves. I thought it over today. I’ve been on Facebook lately – don’t ask…I’ll save that for another post. I’ve been seeing all of the beautiful youngsters that I knew from birth, all grown up and doing all of these wonderful things. I’m happy for them, I really am. But I'm jealous too. I’m looking at my endless years of childrearing, work, school and my two degrees that seem to mean nothing and wondering where the time went. I feel a sense of urgency that I can’t really explain. It seems that time is short and flying by so quickly. I have so many things that I want to do but not the time or resources to do them and fear that it will all be over before I know it. I love to sing and I’m pretty good. But I didn't do anything with that. I've always wanted to play the piano. I want to go to New York and Italy. I’m artistic and I like to write. I have an inventory that I won’t bore you with people!! I guess we all do. Suffice it to say that there are facets of myself that I don’t know much about and it may be time now for me to check them out.

I started my blog in January with a little post-holiday free time. I enjoy it – I get to say what I think even though I only have an audience of two. I have asked a few of my kids to read the blog and give me opinions but I think I can actually hear their eyes rolling in their heads. I haven’t received one response from them. I realize that they want me to be their mom. They don’t necessarily want to be burdened with the “me” beyond motherhood and grandparenthood. I understand that. I love being a mom and grandmother. But there is more to me and I’m thinking that now is the time time find out what those other parts of me are all about. Some people do that in the teens and 20’s but I was without direction and in the grips of the drug culture in my teens and a mother at the age of 20. Maybe now is my time. I wrote this today when I should be getting household chores done before a meeting that I am attending this afternoon. But the chores will have to wait. I needed to say this. STOP!

I am making a stop sign to remind myself that there is more to life than just our responsibilities. I am reminding myself to delegate more and work a little less. To stop and smell the roses sometimes. To spend a little time getting to know me. When I'm feeling crazy and overwhelmed, it will give me permission to just stop taking care of everyone and everything else and take some time for myself. That other stuff will be there when I'm done.