THINGS THAT ARE

If you’re human, every so often a realization hits you or your paradigm gets shifted.  It happens when a small fissure of light cracks the through a hard surface where a new truth dwells.  When it occurs you have a choice – a split second where you can choose to freefall into that light and explore the new knowledge or rapidly blink it away and then it’s gone.  Nothing has changed and you’re none the worse...or so you think.

I believe it happens time and again to most of us.  Often we avoid the tiny splinter of light because somehow we know it will change us and that can be scary.  And it’s a lot of work too.  We have to examine it and try it on. It may feel tight and restrictive or it may not fit well with the rest of our intellectual wardrobe.  So we let it go and assume that we know enough of the truth to get by. 

As for me, at times I have boldly stepped through and looked at the “thing that is” squarely and honestly and have acknowledged it, allowing the restructure of my perceptions.  It can hurt a bit at first.  And it’s troublesome, illuminating new reality and shining light on the other pieces of my paradigm that are skewed and need to be modified. 

Still, other times I’ve blinked my eyes back into focus on what I already know and believe. I’m comfortable with it and I don’t want the disruption to my reality - one that already sounds good in my head. So sadly, for that time being, it’s gone.

I like to think that I am more the freefall type at least most of the time. I like to think that I become more so as time goes on in my life. I’m open, involved, free-thinking, passionate and compassionate. Yet I’m amazed with the realization that occasionally, I still do the psychological two-step with my rational mind, hanging on to obtuse beliefs and feel-good philosophies regarding peace, love and the brotherhood of man.

I'm not saying that the idea of peace and brotherhood are foolish notions -rather, and obviously, that they are not easily achieved. They require hard work and commitment on the part of men, religions and governments. In the smaller spectrum, they entail listening to others and opening oneself up to different realities.  They involve letting go of everything you think you know to look at reality through another’s eyes.  Most of all, they require plummeting in to the light of truth when it presents itself and exploring with candor and courage the things that are.

Perceptions II

You know how you can be going along, minding your own business, feeling okay – no big problems? Everything is status quo; nothing but the little everyday annoyances that pester everyone, like stupid drivers, rush hour and whiney customers – irksome, but nothing that really breaks a wave on your radar. Then, for reasons unknown, ripples roll across your sea of calm. You’re not sure why but suddenly, everything shifts and you are left uneasy and without a clue.

Sunday was my birthday. It’s not like I’m all thrilled about being further into 50 something, but on my birthday, I’m a bit like a kid. I mean I have a birthday song…”Today’s my birthday.”… You’d have to hear it – but I digress. It’s not about presents or cards or cake. That’s all nice but it’s more. Maybe it’s about what I’ve come through in my life and the fact that I’m still here – a survivor against the odds – and with a beautiful family to boot.

Anyhoo, I was sitting at the table at my daughter’s house for a birthday dinner with my family. Everyone is talking and laughing and we’ve just had a nice meal. And then it hit – the shift. Nothing perceptible changed – only a shift in my own mind. No one else noticed a thing. Everything just continued on. I kept smiling and laughing, but on the inside, I was scared and sad. I wanted to cry but I didn’t know why and I couldn’t point to any one thing. I just wanted to go home.

The feeling persisted the rest of the evening. We had cake and ice cream, talked a bit more and left. When we got home, I washed my face, put my pajamas on and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch near my sweetheart, looking for solace in what is my personal safe harbor.

The next day, everything was fine. But, I thought about it all day. What causes that kind of shift in perspective, that jumbling of personal paradigm, especially when nothing has changed? Is it a blip in my psyche or a rumble in the spiritual realm? Maybe I need more medication – don’t quote me on that.

I don’t really have an answer. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that at that table were many of the people who are most important to me. I recall a conversation that I had with my husband on the way to my daughter’s home about the recent deaths of four teenagers killed by a drunk driver just a

few miles from there. We talked about how it could have been any of us sitting at that light waiting to turn, only to be destroyed by the poor choice of a complete stranger. No warning, no way of escape – countless lives altered.

I guess you could say, the more you have, the greater the risk of loss. But that is too simply stated. It doesn’t matter if you have one loved one or ten – a loss is a loss. All I know is that I had a small tremor beneath the surface of calm reminding me that all life is transient and precious and how my world could change by a random act, an illness or some unforseen event. None of us have a guarantee that trouble and sadness will not visit us. We don’t have an absolute road map for the future, so we have to make each moment count. My tiny temporary paradigm shift was the smallest fraction of what the families of those lost teenagers face, and mine was just that – temporary. So again, I look forward with a thankful heart, reminded of the importance of living in the present and refusing to dwell in melancholy and scary possibilities. But I’m determined to make each moment count with those that I love so much.