YES MICHIGAN! THE FEELING'S FOREVER....

This morning we woke up to another day of whirling snowflakes.  We are expecting 2 to 4 inches.  It's so beautiful! 

As I walked from my car into the office, I ran into two different people that complained about the snow.  I smiled and nodded with empathy.  I've tried to hate on Michigan winter. I'm sometimes tempted to join the majority that bitch nonstop about our Midwest cold and snow to, you know, fit in. They generally start as the first autumn leaf floats to the ground and build to a crescendo during February and March. The remnants of this cold weather bitch fest go on into late spring when the temps finally become stable. 

The thing is, I love winter. Just like I love spring, fall and even summer. I like the variation and stark difference of each season. I wouldn't like living in a place where all the seasons were the same, the type of clothing didn't change and the food was mostly summer salads and barbecue. Boring…..

I love sweaters and sweatshirts, scarves and mittens. I mean, barbecue is nice. But so are soup and chili, stews and hot cocoa. I love a brisk bundled up walk on a snowy winter’s day followed by that steaming cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows on top. Or, sitting by an out of doors fire with friends sipping warm mulled wine (I've never actually had warm mulled wine, but I'll bet it's awesome).

I’m all for making the best of it. Kind of like I do when it’s 95 degrees with a heat index of 110 (To be fair, I have air conditioning).  My point is, there is something beautiful everywhere for those with the eyes to see.

I wrote this a few years back. I’m feeling it today.

THE ZEN OF WINTER

"ZEN - enlightenment that is attained through meditation, self-contemplation, and intuition."

I marvel over the quiet beauty that is the season of winter, my muse.

Dignified, regal, elegant in its simplicity, winter is the soul of reflection. It is the contemplative season, ceasing outward activity for tranquil introspection, keeping sweet secrets that will surface in the spring in a vibrant rush of new life.

Winter is the guru of cyclical nature, leading us to slow down, reflect and savor the warmth of hearth and home, family and friends and to forge a mental path for the days to come when time will be stolen by other outdoor activities. Relish the solitude, the chance for brief intervals of hibernation; to recharge and become enlightened.

The Zen of Winter

SABOTEUR

I’m forever sabotaging myself. I don’t like to admit it – but it’s true. And it’s not because I want to. Why on earth would a person do that to themselves? Yet, here we are.

Yesterday I realized that I feel like my life is out of control. Not just because I ate two candy bars and the last piece of angel food roll that I didn’t really like anyway. And not just because I’m always so squeezed for time and our finances are extremely tight.

These are just a few things, most of which by themselves would not be a big deal, but combined with a list of other trials, tribulations and missteps, become one big time-bomb ready to go off.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I heard a phrase last week that really stuck with me. “Be the captain of your own vessel.” I haven’t been doing that and I think that’s odd for me because I have long been a strong personality. As a younger person, when I wanted to do something I found a way to do it - come “hell or high water” as the saying goes. But these past few years - not so much.

I’ve been feeling tired and a little beat down by life circumstances and I’m not bouncing back like I used to. I’ve gained weight and bought myself a few health problems with it. I won’t go into the details but for cryin’ out loud – no one is forcing that shit down my throat.

I think sometimes that we act out because we’re not getting what we need. Generally, at least for me, it’s something that I won’t allow myself to have. I really don’t take much time for me. It’s not because I’m an unselfish giving person either. Rather, it’s more the ultimate selfishness. Trying to be all things to all people…trying to make everything all better for someone I love – kind of like the great and powerful OZ on the beloved classic, The Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to that man (woman) behind the curtain.” The façade starts falling apart while I try to keep it together, all the while acting like nothing's wrong.

I let this stuff into my head – I live with it and as a result, I act out. For example, I sabotage my diet almost every day and on bad days, I really go to town like the candy bars and cake incident yesterday. I tell myself every day that I’m going to start exercising but then put it off until tomorrow. I lament about my job situation but for all intents and purposes have stopped trying to change it. Tiresome.

Seeing this in writing kind of pummels my self-image. But that’s okay because I’ve been actively assaulting it anyway.

I spent some time thinking about it today and I’ve realized that we get into these mental predicaments and often are not even conscious of what we’re doing to ourselves.

So today, I have decided to become the captain of my own vessel again. I’m refraining from my attempts to take over other people’s vessels. Instead, I’ll allow them the dignity of steering their own. I’m determined to remind myself of the stamina, gumption and strength that I always had in the past and I’m going to reclaim it. I’m making a plan for my:

Health
Mental state
Spiritual state
Financial state
State of relationships

Today I set sail.

Of Mice and Men - Kinda...

I’ve had the flu this week…not as in sniffles, runny nose and scratchy throat, but full blown flu with high fever, chills, headache, no appetite, and a cough that developed into an upper respiratory infection requiring antibiotics and strong doses of prednisone to relieve the breathing problems exacerbated by asthma. I literally lay in bed for two whole days. I couldn’t read or watch TV or even check email or Facebook. I slept a lot and I thought a lot – mostly feverish disjointed and unconnected thoughts in between a few tears of self-pity and crying for my mother. It was a toughie. However, I think something good came out of it.

Today is Friday. I’m still in bed. My temperature is down now to 99.7 and I’m feeling weak but well enough to sit up in bed and wander into the living room once in awhile. I’ve read the paper, checked FB and looked at my email. I’ve also put together some of the thoughts that were roiling around in my head the past few delirious days.

I was never much of an achiever in elementary or high school. I was a pretty solid “Group 2” staple (If you went to Catholic school in the 60’s you’ll know what I mean) and blended into the background as best I could.  I was pretty wild and on my own at the age of 18 and married with two babies at the age of 22. My foray into the world of overachiever didn’t begin until after my husband moved out. Talk about an education…I learned quickly what the world was like for a woman without a plan, without higher education, and no money or child support. I started working full time and went back to school at the age of 28 at our local community college funded by the Pell grant. I didn’t know exactly what my plan was. I'd grown up with a minimun of adult supervision and direction and thought that the only jobs out there for women were nursing or teaching and I didn’t want any of that. I took a few classes at a time and worked at various jobs that paid under $7 per hour. And I learned and loved it. I loved school and the idea of school,  and I excelled. What a surprise to find out that I could do so well. It kind of filled a void and gave me back some of the self-esteem that I lost during the deterioration of my marriage. 

Fast forward: It took me 18 years to get my bachelor’s degree and another 4 to get my masters. I raised kids, took classes, dated and married my husband Tim during that time. Sometimes I took semesters off if the schedule became too rough with my kids. I didn’t go at all for a few years while my kids were in high school because they required a lot of attention during that time. But somehow during those years, a goal developed inside of me. It was not specific to a particular career; having a career was the goal. I think at the time I really didn’t care much what it was – just that it paid well and afforded me the …I don’t know…prestige that I craved. I never wanted to be in a position again where I had to depend on someone else for survival and I never wanted to feel like a lower life form again.

Ahh – “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley (often go awry), An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain” ~Robert Burns. Never were truer words spoken. After getting my master’s degree in a field in which I was not all that connected or consumed, I worked hard to break into the field with absolutely no success. I won’t go into full detail here but suffice it to say I have an extremely hard time getting an interview for anything.

I have done volunteer work for a few different social organizations over the past few years. It is work that can be enjoyable and I had hoped that it would help develop me for whatever my career future holds.

REALITY CHECK 2010:   I recently garnered the position of “President” of the org that I am currently involved with. Oh yeah! Before you think “wow, that’s awesome” let me also add that I am the only active board member at this time. The former President, my friend, quit to pursue other ventures. The other board members are really just in name only.  So, I am the board.  I’m tired just thinking about it. And it's a lot of work; networking, writing letters, showing up at events and coordinating events, etc...  There is no pay and it's not easy getting people to join in.  It's a great cause and all that...but I don't think I can do it.  Much more so...I don't think I want to.  I am tired just thinking about it. 

These few paragraphs cannot do any justice to the way I have really been feeling these past 6 months. I don’t have enough energy myself to try to do it justice but I want these thoughts down in writing.

I’ll be 54 in a few weeks. I have been struggling internally for months and years now over my inability to get "somewhere;" the fact that I can’t seem to get out of the office job I have had for 22 years where I am the office manager secretary even though I have a higher education than anyone else there. When I get there in the morning, I have to make the coffee for god's sake.  To top it off, I can’t seem to make a good impression on anyone these days and I’m so tired of trying.

I realized these last few days that maybe I should quit trying so hard. I’m exhausted and have been seriously depressed and I guess, ashamed. I have felt like something is innately wrong with me. My thought yesterday was that I just wanted to give up…not like die - give up, but just to stop trying. Just to be me, a wife, mother and grandmother. I hear lots of people do that and are very happy with it.  I have a wonderful family with 9 beautiful grandchildren, not to mention 6 awesome kids. They’re not all mine by blood but my heart does not know the difference and I love each one dearly. I’ve pretty much been flogging myself regularly because of my perceived failings – for not being good enough. That takes a lot of time away from cherishing what I do have. I’ve been like the horse with blinders on that can only see the path in front of him/her, continually plodding toward something and never arriving.    Meanwhile, I’m missing all the wonderful activity that is going on in the sidelines and berating myself as a failure.

I don't know.  I'm not making any absolute decisions until I'm completely back on my feet again but I do know that something must change inside of me. 

Oh well – I don’t claim to have all the answers from my sickbed induced semi-delirium but I have certainly given myself something to think about. Time for a nap.

WINTER REVISITED

I’ve been contemplating winter for awhile now and I’ve concluded that its bad reputation is the result of misunderstanding and perspective. I’m a Michigan girl and as such, can be expected to either love or hate the season. And by love, I mean as in winter sports, skiing, ice skating,snow-shoeing, snowman building, hot chocolate, red cheeks, and the like. And by hate, I mean bitching constantly for at least 4 to 6 months about the upcoming cold weather, being cold, the cold weather and the snow, wearing winter coats, the long miserable season of cold weather, ice and snow, and finally the slow departure of the winter season of cold weather, ice and snow, being cold, winter coats….

I love all of the seasons and in Michigan, they are very distinctly different seasons – no blurred lines, each one with a charm all its own. I suppose I, like many of us, used to be a combination of the love winter/hate winter crowd. I used to number the seasons. Autumn was my favorite – then spring, summer and finally winter. I realized this year that I can’t do that anymore. I see their innate beauty and diversity and how each one imparts something to the others.

Winter is a feast of the senses. It’s vibrant in its stark solitude. It’s restful and designed for respite from the business of the planting, tending and harvesting seasons. It is beautifully elegant in its glittering white cloak and soulfully quiet in demeanor. These days I see winter with different eyes and I love it. It’s a time of rest, reflection and hibernation, staying in bed late reading on weekend mornings. I think winter may be my new muse - I’ve even written a poem about it, posted in the past few weeks.

Here is my list of winter delights, both past and present:

 Hot tea, cheerful warm fires and sparkling snow
 Cozy blankets, warm mittens, soft sweaters and colorful scarves
 Rosy cheeks and catching snowflakes on your tongue
 Christmas lights and goodwill to others
 Steaming bowls of homemade soup and warm bread
 Clouds of warm breath in the frigid air
 Casseroles shared with family and friends
 Birds on the wire keeping warm
 Snow angels
 Hot cider, steaming chestnuts and snowmen with carrot noses and coal eyes.
 Snowballs and sleds
 Frozen lakes dotted with ice shanties
 Warm steamy clouds rising from the city sewers
 Sparkling stars in a cold, clear silent night sky
 Being warm in the cold
 More time to rest
 Reading in bed
 Time to reflect
 Time to plan
 Time to be grateful
 Hibiscus or Paper Whites in a cup to bring thoughts of spring

Winter is lovely.

WINTER

Winter,
oft despised and lamented.
Yet... were the eyes open, 
its majesty displayed
through dormant limbs
filtering gray light, or
dazzling sun and bright blue heavens; 
raising bare hands to the sky,
and casting glittering diamonds on snowbound earth.

Those barren arms stretched forth,
fairly bursting with their secret of life to come.

Winter, a masterpiece in its own right;

Naked yet resplendent in simple elegance. 

Beauty in solitude.

Beauty in frosted silence.

Beauty in quiet reflection,

Winter...

for those with eyes to see.



Kathy Cristoforo  (c)