SABOTEUR

I’m forever sabotaging myself. I don’t like to admit it – but it’s true. And it’s not because I want to. Why on earth would a person do that to themselves? Yet, here we are.

Yesterday I realized that I feel like my life is out of control. Not just because I ate two candy bars and the last piece of angel food roll that I didn’t really like anyway. And not just because I’m always so squeezed for time and our finances are extremely tight.

These are just a few things, most of which by themselves would not be a big deal, but combined with a list of other trials, tribulations and missteps, become one big time-bomb ready to go off.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I heard a phrase last week that really stuck with me. “Be the captain of your own vessel.” I haven’t been doing that and I think that’s odd for me because I have long been a strong personality. As a younger person, when I wanted to do something I found a way to do it - come “hell or high water” as the saying goes. But these past few years - not so much.

I’ve been feeling tired and a little beat down by life circumstances and I’m not bouncing back like I used to. I’ve gained weight and bought myself a few health problems with it. I won’t go into the details but for cryin’ out loud – no one is forcing that shit down my throat.

I think sometimes that we act out because we’re not getting what we need. Generally, at least for me, it’s something that I won’t allow myself to have. I really don’t take much time for me. It’s not because I’m an unselfish giving person either. Rather, it’s more the ultimate selfishness. Trying to be all things to all people…trying to make everything all better for someone I love – kind of like the great and powerful OZ on the beloved classic, The Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to that man (woman) behind the curtain.” The façade starts falling apart while I try to keep it together, all the while acting like nothing's wrong.

I let this stuff into my head – I live with it and as a result, I act out. For example, I sabotage my diet almost every day and on bad days, I really go to town like the candy bars and cake incident yesterday. I tell myself every day that I’m going to start exercising but then put it off until tomorrow. I lament about my job situation but for all intents and purposes have stopped trying to change it. Tiresome.

Seeing this in writing kind of pummels my self-image. But that’s okay because I’ve been actively assaulting it anyway.

I spent some time thinking about it today and I’ve realized that we get into these mental predicaments and often are not even conscious of what we’re doing to ourselves.

So today, I have decided to become the captain of my own vessel again. I’m refraining from my attempts to take over other people’s vessels. Instead, I’ll allow them the dignity of steering their own. I’m determined to remind myself of the stamina, gumption and strength that I always had in the past and I’m going to reclaim it. I’m making a plan for my:

Health
Mental state
Spiritual state
Financial state
State of relationships

Today I set sail.

CHANGES

Tim and I recently made a substantial life change. We switched to a vegan diet. We have given up all meat, poultry and fish as well as any dairy products derived from animals. This has come as a surprise to our children and I’m convinced that the rest of our family will be astounded as well. I’m a little surprised myself. I have toyed with vegetarianism on and off throughout my life. I have never liked the thought of eating other creatures, especially furry, warm blooded ones with two eyes – and a mom. But Tim….let’s just say, his nickname is Sausage Boy.  Over time, through conversations, health issues, and changes in perspective, we decided together to make the switch. Anyway, it’s been about ten weeks now and all is well. But that’s not really what this post is about. I want to talk about change. 

I recently had a phone conversation with an old friend - one with whom I have had very infrequent contact over the past many years. Although our conversation was brief, I discovered that he was experiencing some unpleasant life circumstances.  While we didn’t get into much detail, I did express my concern and hopes for a positive outcome for him. His response was brief and to the point. He said that he “couldn’t change after all these years.”

I haven't been able to get that statement out of my head. I realize that overall, we are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zones and often loathe the thought of stepping outside of them. Sometimes, that’s me.  But I think most often, I invite change. I’ve been changing most of my life. In fact, over the last decade or more, I’ve come to regard change as something that is essential to me.  I’ve always liked sticking my toe outside of the circle and it seems the older I get, the more I’m inclined to do so. Sometimes it’s a toe; other times a foot, and on some occasions, a full body jump. Perhaps it’s my bid to stay young and relevant, at least in my own mind. Or maybe it’s a survival technique or just my nature - I’ve always been a bit of a rebel.

Still, I wonder what causes us to lose our flexibility and become stiff, dry and afraid; closed to new ideas and fearfully fighting to preserve what we have become comfortable with, regardless of truth or consequences. My initial guess is the f word - FEAR. When you’re young - well at least, when I was young, I didn’t really know the meaning of fear. I was naïve, stupid and pretty certain I was invincible. It was either dumb luck, the grace of God, or both that I survived. As I matured, I settled down a little, but never found my niche.

It seems that the older we get, the more we need absolutes – things we can count on and believe in. And God help anyone who tries to shift our paradigm. I recognize that in myself occasionally and when I do, I resist it. I don’t want to get stuck in the quicksand of old age that can’t see past what has already been established and holds it in a death grip. I saw it happen to my mother and step-dad as they aged and I made a mental note to do everything in my power to remain flexible. In fact, sometimes they would make statements like; "call these the golden years?  What a crock!" in their old persons voices.  Sometimes I hear that voice developing in me.  I put on the brakes. 

Our world doesn’t make it easy to keep the fresh idealism of youth, but the truth is that the universe and everything in it is in a constant state of change. And so are we - from birth to death, whether we want to be or not. Conceivably, that is why humans, especially as they age, hang on so tight to the paradigms they have embraced. It gives them a sense of control. But it's an illusion. There is no freedom in it because it is actually just fear.

These days my tendency toward change is more mature and viable and I’m pretty comfortable with it. I’ve been experiencing an inner revolution in my search for truth and I like it. I think embracing change, seeking truth and being ready to acknowledge that which is unorthodox is the answer to keeping the mind and outlook fresh and ushering true peace into our lives.

Anyway, I think about what my friend said and hope that his eyes and heart open. If something isn’t working and we want it to work, we have to change our approach within and without – to revolutionize our thinking and commit to change whenever and in whatever way necessary. It’s natural and much better than the alternative.

Anyone can create change.

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence,
and so the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same.
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations.
They're quite aware
of what they're going through."

~David Bowie - "Changes"

Disillusion/Evolution

Disillusion and evolution; According to Merriam-Webster, disillusion is "the condition of being disenchanted." Evolution is "a process of continuous change, from a lower, simpler, or worse, to a higher, more complex or better state." The words have two separate meanings and yet, I’m finding there is a fine line between them that not only separates them, but makes them kissing cousins as well. Let me explain.

I spent ten years of my life between my early 20’s and early 30’s in the grips of fundamental Christianity, or, in the words of one of my old professors," the darkest regions of fundamentalism." Then, I spent another ten years, at least, trying to deprogram myself from it. Yep, this is one of my nine lives – I’m thinking somewhere around life number 4.

I got "saved" around the age of 22 years old. As I've mentioned in prior posts, I was brought up Catholic and had rebel tendencies so, if you know anything about fundamental Christianity you have to wonder how I lasted 10 years - an oil and water kind of thing.

Anyway, at the time, I was mom to two very small children and in a marriage that was failing. From a small home bible study I was introduced to salvation with huge helpings of the bible, which of course, I, being Catholic, had never really read. What's more, I learned that the bible is to be taken literally - all of it. What? Adam and Eve? Like for real?  I'd never really thought about it. Jesus coming back on a white horse? The rapture? I'd never even heard of those things. It was overwhelming and at first I rejected these notions, but something - a need to bond with my new peers or a need to just find something to believe in took over. Well...that and my best friend was involved and I had to keep an eye on her. Don’t get me wrong, the people were nice and all, and I still keep in touch with a few of them. We were all very young and looking for something - the blind leading the blind so to speak.

Interestingly enough, all of this newfound knowledge had me quite angry at the Catholic Church and I was pretty vocal about it. I felt they had deceived me and kept the truth of the bible from me. They were keeping me back from all of God's blessings, like healing, prosperity, authority over the devil, raising the dead, casting out demons, and my rightful place in the kingdom of God. I mean, how many people went to hell that I could have warned! How many that I loved were in danger of eternal damnation? Well, I warned my mother and let's just say that went over like a lead balloon and she informed me, “you were born a Catholic and you’ll die a Catholic!” Case closed.

The church I was attending was run by three young pastors. They were very young with nothing more than high school educations. They had no professional training, but were passionate, extremely zealous, and lots of fun. It was a small non-denominational church filled with people and families my age. What could be better?

The church was what is known as "spirit filled." The laying on of hands for healing of all sorts, speaking in tongues, prophesy and words of knowledge were regular and expected occurrences. The music was contemporary worship music with a full band of which I was a part. I had a great time there in the beginning. I discovered a talent for singing that I developed over time and I made a lot of good friends. But something else happened. I stopped asking questions and I began to distrust my own instincts. I lost myself.

To make matters worse, the eutopian environment began to erode. Over time, the unchurch became an establishment of its own creation. Dogma was instituted only it was of their own making with bits and pieces culled from other ministries. I got divorced during that time and although they were more forgiving than the Catholic church, attitudes of some people changed. It was weird.

So, here's the thing: Have you ever thought about the concept of hell? A place where justice is meted out by a supreme being (God). The residents of hell, according to the Christian religion, burn and suffer torment for eternity for a variety of reasons, large, small and in between.  You're looking at anything from murder to your garden variety sins, like coveting your neighbors, wife, husband or barbecue grill;  to lying, cheating, gossiping, etc. But the even bigger  problem is if a person does not accept Jesus as their personal savior.  Ya, those people are on the fast track to the "lake of fire that burns forever," and it doesn't matter how good they are - they're toast.  Good Buddhists?  Bye bye.  Same for Hindus, atheists, Krishnas and  pretty much anyone who is not a born again Christian.  So, consider this: This salvation theory excludes every religion that does not recognize Jesus Christ as the son of God, and, if your a fundamentalist Christian, even some that do. So, the God that created the entire vast universe, comes up with a plan to save mankind that is so narrow, that it is a sure thing that hell will be packed. One way - turn or burn baby. The concept sounds all too human to me - the brainchild of man. Not the creator of the universe. That makes Him/Her kind of petty, no?

That is just one of many beliefs and teaching that began to eat away at my core. And God, there were so many!  Like their belief that it was God's will to heal all the time. When people died from illness as they inevitably did, we were give  assorted reasons for the disappointing outcome.  Reasons such as lack of faith and things  like that - all pointing the finger of guilt back to you / to us.   So, you were always guilty.  Always failing.  A dull, constant form of spiritual abuse that came from our leaders.  For me, God became an insatiable black hole that could never be satisfied. I started to resent him - disillusion. The questions in my head became so insistent, I started saying them out loud.  Take it from me - if you want some excitement, just try that in a fundamental church. I eventually left the church with my children.

It took quite a while to get over that 10 year experience - at least 10 more years. But I found myself again and I found God, the universe, the supreme being - that we are all, and I mean everyone, connected with - evolution.

I think that God / the universe, has the capacity to reach us wherever we are and that there are many paths to God. I don't know what his name is and I don't think it matters.. I think God is for everyone in whatever way we can find him.  And that's okay.  What's not okay is the insanity of to putting God/ the universe in a little box to claim it for yourself or your little group alone.